Recently I was asked about my faith challenges at different stages of my life. What follows is a memoir of my faith struggle in the first part of my life.
The character of faith struggles depends upon our understanding of faith. In my heritage, faith that saved was was trusting that God had graciously sent his son to die for me. I was saved because I had complied with the necessary commands for salvation, i.e. hear believe, repent, confess and be baptized. Once I was saved, the focus of my faith became assuring that I did not lose my salvation. I had faith that my salvation was secure as long as I did not sin or, if I did, ask God for forgiveness. Unforgiven sin was a deal breaker. Getting forgiveness was easy enough, assuming you didn’t die before you could ask forgiveness.
Sin was a big deal. Sins of commission and sins of omission. Accordingly, my faith struggle became one of sin management. The struggle was two fold, on one hand there was the “don’t imperative”, and, on the other hand there was the “do imperative”.
With the “don’t imperative” , my faith challenge was adhering to the “do not” commands of scripture. Because it was understood that keeping all those “do not” commands was not practical, an unwritten list evolved to help manage sin and maintain a Christian reputation. The list was contextual, it’s content and priorities varied according to cultural, geographic and theological realities.
Commonly, it would include: do not …lie, cheat, steal, cuss, drink, chew, smoke, fornicate, masturbate, worship with an instrument, divorce, et al. Of course, there are many other “do not” commands in scripture, but the list needed to contain reasonably manageable sins. Also, many “do not” sins were internal, i.e. pride, envy and so on, and did not lend themselves to management and were less critical in maintaining outward appearance. Also, their private nature avoided the need for public confession and a plea for forgiveness. Though guilt was a constant companion, forgiveness was always handy.
Similarly, there was a “do” list. The do’s are in the category of sins of omission, failure to do as commanded. Not unlike the “do not” list, the “do” list varied. The priority of obedience to God’s commands was dictated by theology and religious tenets. In my heritage, that list might look something like: “Do”: …go to church, …read the Bible, …evangelize, …pray, …take communion, …care for the needy, …wear your Sunday best to church, …be hospitable, et al.
The “do” list established criteria for inclusion. Compliance was not so much needed to maintain salvation as it was necessary for membership and fellowship in the local church. Of course baptism was prerequisite to any level of inclusion. Since is was believed that anyone who was not a member of our fellowship was going to hell, I suppose the do’s were indirectly deal breakers.
Oddly, the “do” list do’s were not lines in the sand. For instance, one could occasionally miss church and maintain their relationship but persistent or protracted absence would bring your faithfulness into question. At some point you would be declared “out of service” and public confession and repentance would be necessary for restoration. It was never exactly clear when one went “out of service”.
Understanding that my faith struggle in my first four +/- decades was primarily about sin management, what follows is a summary of how that played out.
- Because my steady girl friend was Presbyterian, we broke up after high school graduation. I wasn’t willing to go to hell for her.
- Keenly aware of my sinful habits and friends, I chose to go to a Christian college 1000 miles away to learn to how to better manage my sin. (Also to play football and baseball)
- After two years of college and mismanagement of sin, Ann and I got engaged and returned home to get married and live in Alabama.
- After getting a job with Ford in Nashville and feeling the guilt of sin mismanagement we resolved our “out of service” status at a local church. A positive step toward improving sin management.
- After two years in Nashville, we moved to Louisville. I took a salaried job with Ford and we joined a local congregation. That congregation became our church home for the next 43 years. It was at this point I became serious about sin management.
- Because of the influence of the preacher who became my best friend I managed the “do” list with religious fervor. I began to achieve progress on some do’s. Recruited to teach, I became a regular adult Sunday School teacher and was eventually appointed as a deacon. Some years later I was selected as an elder and served for 18 years.
- Despite some success with the “do” list, management of the “do not” sins was mostly a struggle, with mediocre success, at best. My failure was most apparent in my job as a supervisor. The contrast between the George at work and the George at church was a painful reminder of my mismanagement of “do not” sins.
- Understanding the ultimate peril of failure to manage my sin, I chose to intensify my management efforts and get my life under control. Having decided that my sin problem could not be resolved as long as I continued in my current job, I managed to return to college, get a degree and return to a new job.
- The decision to return to college with 4 children and a pregnant wife and no job was the pinnacle of my sin management efforts.
- Successfully completing my degree, moving back to Louisville, accepting a new job at Ford and returning to our home church, my faith (sin management) struggle continued.
- During the two years to complete my degree there were opportunities and relationships that planted seeds which would bear fruit years later.
- For more than a decade my faith challenge remained sin management. I became better at managing “do not” sins and my “faith” was being strengthened.
- A turning point in my spiritual journey occurred when serious family issues exposed my sin management faith for what it was, nothing but a rule-keeping system that was alienating me from Christ and, of no value in the midst of unmanageable circumstances.
- The transformation that began at that time led me to understand the true meaning of faith and consequently redefined faith challenges for me.
