Language is the gift of God, uniquely human. Within it is borne a power to reveal, indeed a power that is deeply related to the act of creation itself. In Genesis, God creates with speech. It is the means by which we pray, the primary means of communion with others. Words are physical objects, passing from our mouths to the ears of others. We touch each other with words. Speech has been made worthy to serve as a sacrifice before God.
Fr Stephen Freeman
Since my last post, in which I expressed conviction that conversation can be a transforming influence for positive and lasting change in our fragmented society, I am now thinking conversation is the only path to positive and lasting change. My conclusion is obviously debatable and, I believe, worthy of conversation. (Duh) Hopefully, there will be opportunity for meaningful conversations.
This post does not address my conclusion directly, assumes it to be true and attempts to share some practical suggestions for redeeming conversation.
(Internal conversation as I write this post):
[Routinely failing in attempts to have meaningful, constructive conversation,(Ironically, Even with Ann as I write.) what makes me think I have credibility to offer suggestions on redeeming conversations? ]
[Amazon lists 50,000 + books on conversation, thousands of titles specifically related to understanding and improving conversation. What can I possibly add?
Why should my opinion matter? ]
[“Care about people’s approval, and you will always be their prisoner.” – Lao Tzu]
With that, I decided to continue writing.
Offering suggestions for redeeming conversation is based on an assumption that “conversation is a lost art”.
Sherry Turkle writes: “The world is more talkative now, in many ways, than it’s ever been. The problem is that all of this talk can come at the expense of conversation. We’re talking at each other rather than with each other
I believe we have lost the art of talking with each other.
Reducing conversation to talking with each other doesn’t lessen the challenge of redeeming conversation. For the purposes of this post, conversation with each other, is intimate settings with limited participants. In that context, conversation has the greatest potential for creating understanding and change. It is there deep meaningful relationships are create. Redemption of conversation more broadly must start there. That is not to say larger settings aren’t beneficial. The difference is, in larger settings, we settle for an appetizer when we could have a full course meal.
The following are pre-requisites for redeeming conversation. They originate from years of education, experience and study. More importantly, they have been clarified and refined by repeated failures at conversation. They are witness to my failures.
Think of them as marriage vows. Vows are not marriage, but you can’t have marriage without them. Most often, we come to conversation without other’s commitment to engage, for that reason, transforming conversations require unilateral commitment (Committed means we are willing to make a promise with no expectation of return; a promise void of barter and not conditional on another’s action.(*) )to these essentials. To the extent we honor our commitment to them, conversations can happen and become increasingly transformative.
HUMILITY, INTENTIONALITY, QUESTIONS, REFLECTION
Listed in order of priority. Each is a gateway to its successor .
HUMILITY
Doing nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Valuing others above yourself. Not looking to your own interests but to the interests of others.
(Adapted Phil 4:3-4)
Humility is the foundation of all the other virtues hence, in the soul in which this virtue does not exist there cannot be any other virtue except in mere appearance.
Augustine of Hippo
Humility is the awareness that there’s a lot you don’t know and that a lot of what you think you know is distorted or wrong.”
“The Road to Character” by David Brooks
In the struggle against your own weakness, humility is the greatest virtue. Humility is having an accurate assessment of your own nature and your own place in the cosmos. Humility is awareness that you are an underdog in the struggle against your own weakness. Humility is an awareness that your individual talents alone are inadequate to the tasks that have been assigned to you. Humility reminds you that you are not the center of the universe, but you serve a larger order.
“The Road to Character” by David Brooks
If conversation is a vehicle to positive and lasting change in our fragmented society, humility is the the ignition key. We can’t get started without it. Redeeming conversation is personal. It cannot be dictated or legislated. Without humility redeeming conversation that transforms is not possible. Because humility gets little respect in our post-modern, secular culture, I am concerned. Because humility is profoundly Christ-like, I am hopeful.
Conversation is possible without humility, and so is marriage without love. I don’t care to have either.
INTENTIONALITY
Perhaps the great irony of our time is convenient, efficient means of communication and scarcity of transforming conversation. Sadly, my great-grandchildren will not likely have the pleasure of reading hand-written love letters. Transforming conversations are collateral damage from a commitment to utility, efficiency, productivity, technological progress, all sacred values of our culture. It is not that we don’t want to have transforming conversations, it is just that we cannot be true to our cultural values and have them.
In “the good ole days” opportunity and context for transforming conversations abounded. It was not necessary to be intentional. Today it’s completely changed, the predominance of communication is impersonal. Why should I write a personal note when I can send an email, or just send a text?
To have transforming conversations requires proximity and that requires intentionality. Rare is the occasion when someone drops in for a visit. Intentionality is expressed by engagement as well as invitation. For transforming conversations to happen in the course of everyday engagement with people, awareness and intentionality are required. It it is going to be, it’s up to me.
QUESTIONS
Once equipped with humility, the most important tool for creating transforming conversation is questions. Inviting questions are more valuable than supplying answers.
Usually our default position for initiating conversation is expressing an opinion, giving advice or uninvited criticism. Questions open up the conversation, answers close it down.
Transformation comes with questions, not answers.
Unfortunately, in our secularized, self-centered society, conversation is often co-opted as an opportunity to control, manage, and manipulate to achieve self-importance. The objective is to establish rightness. Social media provides the perfect context for achieving that ambition. It is a dream come true …everyone shuts up and listens to me
It is the questions that change our life. Questions confront in ways that statements and answers don’t. If you want to effect change, find a powerful question.
For reasons, stated above, questions require intentionality. Questions are a child of humility.
Recognition of the need for and value of questions is not sufficient. Intentional development of skills necessary to effectively employ questions in transforming conversations is required
(credit to “Civic Engagement and Restoration of Community”)
REFLECTION
One of the most powerful ways to enhance any relationship is to take the time to sincerely listen with the heart. It takes a little more time and patience, but the rewards are absolutely worth it.
Gwen Randall Young
One of our deepest longings – deeper than we even perhaps recognize day to to day – is that other people should acknowledge certain of our feelings.We want – at key moments – our sufferings should be understood, our anxieties noticed and our sadness lent legitimacy. We don’t want others necessarily to agree with all our feelings, but what we crave is that they at least validate them. (*)
Disempowered groups often feel like their voice isn’t being heard. They think their values and needs aren’t being considered, and this can fuel resentment toward the more dominant group, who often has more of a stronghold over public debate. However, when the dominant group makes an effort to hear things from another point-of-view, the disempowered group begins to feel that their values and needs are being listened to. This can be a great starting point for easing conflict and tension. (unknown)
There’s no better feeling than the feeling of being heard and understood, even if it doesn’t mean you get your way or that the other person agrees with you – it’s great to feel like someone put themselves in your shoes for a moment.
https://leaderonomics.com/personal/making-people-feel-heard
I chose reflection rather than listening as the last pre-requisite, because humility, intentionality and questions inherently result in listening. However, listening is not enough. Transformation, change occur when trust emerges. When someone reflects accurately what has been shared with them, trust develops. A trust not based on agreement but on understanding. Reflection validates understanding has been achieved.
As with questions, reflection requires intentionality, it is aso a test of humility to suspend the desire to rebut and do the hard work of putting on the shoes of another. Once that happens, we can move forward together.
“… make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Philippians 2:2-4 NIV