In simple terms, if I were to tell you the four most critical things to do to foster a warm and connected conversation, I’d say this:
* Be curious
* Believe the best
* Express concern
* Share your life
In 1936, Dale Carnegie published How to Win Friends and Influence People, a book selling over 30 million copies to become one of the best-selling books of all time. Carnegie claimed something so simple about how to make lasting friendships. Be genuinely interested in other people. He famously wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Simple enough, right?
Be Curious
Experience confirms my belief that curiosity about others is a casualty of our secularized, self-centered culture. Holleman observes: …most people in their lives stay self-absorbed and self-involved. When we get together with friends, besides talking about the news or the weather or simply monologuing about work or children, rarely will someone ask a good question about our lives. It leaves so many of us frustrated, isolated, and empty after spending significant amounts of time in meaningless interaction. If only we could foster curiosity about one another!
…Imagine you’re a curious person who loves gathering information about others for the pure joy of understanding their lives.
Psychologist and educator Mary Pipher reminds us how another person’s individuality is a “tremendous gift to the world” because it is a “one-of-a-kind point of view on the universe.” Even more, consider how other people are hiding a treasure within them; it’s our job to unearth that treasure—whether the treasure is how they see their world, what they know, or simply who they are in all their radiant beauty as children of God. What if you learn something that might change your life? What if they say something that unlocks a mystery for you? What if this person is the next step on your journey or vice versa? What if together you make a connection about something you would have never otherwise known? Sometimes I picture two people coming together in conversation like it’s a chemical reaction. Something amazing will happen in that moment. Something’s about to catalyze (great verb!).
The Six Conversations
PROCEED WITH CAUTION
Curiosity about others involves risk. Applying Holleman’s advice on how to be curious has potential to be disingenuous and/or manipulative, damaging relationships. Certainly conversation can happen, but there is always the temptation to achieve self-serving ends. i.e. Heather calls for us “...to be curious. Curious people build better relationships. Curious people experience greater well-being and pleasure. Curious people become more creative and less stressed out. And your curiosity just might lead you to romance. WOW.
To avoid misuse, curiosity about others must emanate from authentic desire to know others and share oneself, creating a mutually beneficial experience . To put it simply, curiosity properly used, is an act of agape love.
Seizing “curiosity about others”, or, for that matter, conversation as “the solution” to a malaise of loneliness and unhappiness in our lives without love is counterproductive.
BE CURIOUS
Like life, conversations are a minefield, but the rewards of a loving conversation outweigh the risk.
Psychology researcher Todd Kashdan feels so strongly about the value of interpersonal curiosity that he called it the “secret juice of relationships.” In fact, Kashdan argues that “if you take the fundamental things that people tend to want out of life—strong social relationships and happiness and accomplishing things—all of these are highly linked to curiosity.”
The Six Conversations
STILL ON THE JOURNEY