Dying Well 5.0… preparing

Dying well is putting our dying to use for our sanctification and the welfare of those we leave behind.

G Ezell

Dying well is not just about what happens when death is immanent, it is about living well in preparation for the final event.

The process of dying begins when we we are born, therefore, planning to die should, theoretically, be a life-long undertaking. In reality, planning to die well becomes relevant we accept our mortality. Culture’s avoidance of death, explains why many do not plan or die well.

Some may object to the idea planning to die well, i.e. “No one knows when where or how they will die!” ” God will take me when He is ready.”
It is ironic one would object to planning to die well and be very emphatic about planning for retirement, for example. It is true that our life is always tenuous. “I never thought I would live this long.” is not a reason to forgo planning.

Dying well, as defined, is a spiritual discipline, — advancing sanctification, It is also practical — addressing the welfare of those we leave behind. This post attends to the latter.
What follows is a stream of consciousness intended to eventually produce a cogent framework for addressing the welfare of those we leave behind. Future posts will focus on the spiritual.

Integrity is the ability to come to terms with your life in the face of death. It’s a feeling of peace that you have used and are using your time well. You have a sense of accomplishment and acceptance. 

david brooks

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In all the moments I spent at the bedside of the dying, I witnessed none where pain did not overcome the survivors. Even in deaths that were anticipated, like those among elderly people who had suffered the ravages of long-standing terminal illness, the loss left scars. Families who voiced acceptance of a loved one’s impending death struggled afterward, blindsided by the abrupt absence of someone dear to them. It was as if a part of their heart had been removed suddenly.
Kathryn Butler

For the dying, death’s effect – fear, temptation, sin – precede its appearance. Death’s consequences — grief, sorrow, loss – are the burden of those left behind.
Dying well does not eliminate, but attends to, the reality of the consequences of death for those left behind. To die well well is an act of love.
What follows are topics which minister to those we leave behind. Each topic is worthy of more discussion and may be addressed in future posts. For now, they are presented to further stimulate thinking about preparing to die well.

End of Life
End of life is often defined as the time between a medical declaration that one is dying and death. For this discussion the span end of life is from acceptance “I am going to die” until death. In either case the span of end of life is tenuous and can vary greatly, increasing the importance of the following topics

Last rites
An occurrence of death is a terrible time to make important decisions. To the extent possible, decisions should be made and executed in advance, or at least communicated clearly.It is true that the dead won’t know or care, but those left behind do.

• Cremation and/or burial
• Funeral arrangements / Prepaid?
• Funeral service
• Officiant/s

Legal/ Medical

• Medical Advance directive
• Living will
• Power of Attorney
• Driving Advance Directive
• Last Will and Testament
  
  Establish guardrails to help prepare for dying in our high-tech world before death is imminent.:
• Stay out of the hospital if possible.
• Avoid new devices, interventions, and procedures if possible.
• Spend your remaining days at home if possible.
• Nurture relationships with those you love.
  L.S. Dugdale
  

Conversation

Conversations are an essential part of nurturing relationships with those you love. It is important to have meaningful conversations before there is an immanent death crisis. In crisis , conversations about extraneous matters will not be a priority.
There is an inverse proportional relationship between meaningful conversations and the caliber of relationship. Paradoxically, the closer the relationship the more difficult, or less likely, it is for meaningful conversations to occur. There are exceptions, but the key point is “meaningful”. Close relationships are typically filled with fun, entertaining and informative conversations but when meaningful and/or serious topics arise— not so much. Either the conversation shuts down or it is diverted to a less risky topic.
This story about my father illustrates the point:

It has been well over two decades, but I remember it clearly. My father, in the closing days of his life, was in a shabby nursing home in North Alabama. Traveling from Kentucky to make what might be a final visit, I was hopeful we could have “the conversation” . You know what I mean, that conversation where you talk about all the “stuff” left unsaid; or, at a minimum, say final goodbyes. I did not have the forethought to prepare for that conversation, but as he lay there, bed-ridden, disfigured by age and ravaged by disease, I knew that there might never be another opportunity. When we had finished our usual small talk, and the room was quiet, I said “Dad, Is there anything you would like to talk about?” Laying on his back, looking at the ceiling, I could tell he was thinking. Absent his dentures he was chewing on his gums, unsupported lips flapping. As I looked at him he avoided eye contact. Tears began to well up and slowly roll down his cheeks. Chewing vigorously, he looked at me and said, “Could you hand me a cookie out of that drawer?”

Perhaps the most difficult challenge to preparing and dying well is having meaningful conversation about death and related issues. I can attest to this by my experience over the past year or so as I have intentionally engaged in developing a plan to die well. To have meaningful conversations requires attending to relationships which may be fragile or broken. Even when relationships are healthy, avoidance of death restraints needed conversations.
One more reason why dying well ain’t easy.

Community

We want somebody there when we die, and it is worth rehearsing for the inevitable in community now—while we have our wits about us and are able-bodied. Community does not materialize instantly at a deathbed; it must be cultivated over a lifetime.

The ars moriendi drives home the point that we die best in community. Rare is the person who dies alone and dies well. In fact, we might go so far as to say that it is impossible to die well if you die alone. Dying in the fifteenth century was truly a community affair.
ars moriendi literary genre sometimes characterized dying as a drama in which moriens (the dying person) is the protagonist and all other members of the patient’s community, from youngest to oldest, play supporting roles. The idea is that those in attendance at the deathbed could rehearse their roles in this familial drama while still young and healthy, in anticipation of their own future role as moriens. Rehearsing made it easier to sustain a supportive community once death hovered. When someone died, there would be no guessing about what one should do or say.
The Lost Art of Dying

A community surrounding us when we die is naturally thought of as family. Sadly in today’s world, often families are broken and absent at the end of life. For that reason, community needs a broader definition i.e. church or another group. In any case it is important that community be cultivated in a way that we are able to be in the company of loved ones when death nears.

Legacy

”With few exceptions, everyone wants to be remembered . That desire can be fulfilled in numerous ways — gravesites, monuments, photographs, etc. Reality is, those and other attempts to assure remembrance will fade and/or be forgotten.

“Almost all human endeavor is the attempt to mine the past for what we need to survive into the future.”
A legacy is the radiations of significance from a life-as it is lived and after it is over. “Your legacy is the fragrance of your life that remains when you yourself are not present.”
“The closest thing we have to a more permanent existence is our stories. Our stories capture more of who we are and what our life has been than anything else in the human experience.
_{Creating a Spiritual Legacy by Daniel Taylor}

“Preserve your stories now, while the memories are vivid. Think of the stories you’ve heard your partner or parents tell a thousand times. They are precious. When someone dies, we need those stories—not in a vague, half-remembered, second-hand form but in the original version, with all the plot twists, nuances, and personal storytelling quirks. Your own words and insights are more illuminating than others’ eulogies and tributes.”
https://mikefrost.net/the-way-you-tell-your-spiritual-autobiography-matters/

STILL ON THE JOURNEY