“You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart — your stories, visions, memories, visions and songs. Your truth, your version of things, your own voice. That is really all you have to offer us. And that’s also why you were born.”
Anne Lamott
“You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart — your stories, visions, memories, visions and songs. Your truth, your version of things, your own voice. That is really all you have to offer us. And that’s also why you were born.”
Anne Lamott
“All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return.” Ecclesiastes 3:20
The most obvious and ubiquitous reality of human experience is death; ironically, in western culture, it is seldom discussed. This post begins a series on death and dying —a conversation that matters.
It is important to establish the context in which these posts are being written. When the author is eighty years old, it is easy to assume that his death might be immanent. That is not the case (as far as I know). However, considering my age and pre-existing conditions, I am acutely aware of my mortality—definitely making the subject of death and dying relevant. Since all of us are mortal and subject to life’s uncertainty, I hope you will join the conversation. Several recent resources stimulated thoughts about death and dying. I recommend “The Lost Art of Dying” by L.S. Dugdale. This podcast is a good introduction to the book. Good Faith.
At this point, I have come to two conclusions, first, conversations about death and dying rarely happen; second, failure to acknowledge our mortality has profound implications to how life is lived and how we die.
The balance of this post is a stream of thoughts and ideas that establish a framework for conversations that follow.
Why it’s important talk about death and dying?
Why are evangelical Christians mostly silent about death and dying .
What does it mean to die well?
Developing a plan to die well.
ars moriendi – art of dying
Community’s role in death and dying
Medicalized death
Euthanasia
A Theology of Death
This list is a first draft and a work in progress, it will be amended and modified as necessary as in the coming months. I would very much appreciate your feedback, questions or concerns.
It has been well over two decades, but I remember it clearly. My father, in the closing days of his life, was in a shabby nursing home in North Alabama. Traveling from Kentucky to make what might be a final visit, I was hopeful we could have “the conversation” . You know what I mean, that conversation where you talk about all the “stuff” left unsaid; or, at a minimum, say final goodbyes. I did not have the forethought to prepare for that conversation, but as he lay there, bed-ridden, disfigured by age and ravaged by disease, I knew that there might never be another opportunity. When we had finished our usual small talk, and the room was quiet, I said “Dad, Is there anything you would like to talk about?” Laying on his back, looking at the ceiling, I could tell he was thinking. Absent his dentures he was chewing on his gums, unsupported lips flapping. As I looked at him he avoided eye contact. Tears began to well up and slowly roll down his cheeks. Chewing vigorously, he looked at me and said, “Could you hand me a cookie out of that drawer?”
Some observations after reflecting on that scene:
I was deeply disappointed we did not have “the conversation”. In retrospect, my expectation was naive. If we had not been able or willing to have such conversation in the previous 40 years, the likelihood of having it in the waning moments of his life was not reasonable. Meaningful, beautiful conversations may happen when death is immanent, but, it is too late to deepen and enrich the relationship. The lesson is obvious, the time for “the conversation” is always now (a suitable moment) before “last rites”, while there is still margin to enjoy life together.
As shared earlier, I was not prepared for the conversation. Having “the conversation” requires intentionality and conversational skills, neither of which preceded that day; which brings us to the subject of this post, basic skills. In chapter 6, Holleman hones in on four basic conversation skills:
Letting others speak
Listening
Limiting distractions
Loving through your face
Understanding and practicing those skills are essential to being a great conversation partner. Had I possessed those skills, the conversation might have gone much differently.
Chapter 6 – Revisiting the Basics
…the basics of how to serve as a great conversation partner. It’s a lifelong skill we might continue to hone—no matter how old we are, smart we are, or extroverted we feel. Everyone needs help when it comes to loving others better in conversations.
Holleman, Heather. The Six Conversations (p. 93).
Letting others speak —What is my goal in having a conversation?
“When you enter a new conversation, think first about the goal of letting others speak.” …that is not the way I usually approach conversation. More often, I aim to talk rather than considering the two-way goal of a better conversation, Needing to share my opinions, I am, as Holleman confesses, a “monologue-giver and interrupter” — “someone who loves to spout all my opinions and talk and talk and talk. And if you are talking, believe me, I’d interrupt you with my own feelings or personal stories to turn the conversation back to me. Nobody wants or needs a friend like this.” —
Avoid interrupting others. Loving conversationalists limit interrupting. They wait. They’re patient. They let others talk. Conversation is a warm connection. It’s not therapy or a one-sided monologue. It’s connection. Instead of interrupting, they become better listeners.
Listening — growing in the area of listening well.
“supportive listening,”
I learned what a profound act of love it is to truly listen to someone with our full attention. When we listen to others, we offer not only our time but also our psychological presence, our cognitive attention, and our emotional responsiveness, all of which are finite and thus valuable interpersonal resources. Extending the effort to listen to someone may therefore be conceptualized as an expression of affection for that person, at least in situations when listening is not otherwise expected or compensated.
The Six Conversations (p. 99)
Supportive listening involves listening for a whole narrative and interpreting the information someone gives you to make a larger story about their lives.
Learning what to listen for … became a life-changing moment of transformation for me when I realized how to listen.
LISTEN FOR TRANSFORMATION. LISTEN FOR THE STORY OF CHANGE LISTEN FOR WHAT SURPRISES YOU, UNSETTLES YOU, OR DISTURBS YOU. LISTEN TO SUPPORT.
People love to feel understood and really seen. In research on the core principles of close relationships, psychologists note that how close we feel in a relationship depends on whether we feel someone understands what we value—the “extent to which they are cognizant of, sensitive to, and behaviorally supportive of each other’s core needs and values.”
…we need to bring “a kind of presence to other beings in which one is receptive and open to being influenced by them.”
Limiting distractions
Holleman’s advice for limiting distractions can be summarized succinctly with do not have a cellphone present (I would add do not bring your dog 🙂 ). She suggests having a notebook and taking notes that can be referenced. I thought that to be awkward, but thinking about how easily I forget, it has merit and I will try it.
While this may sound clinical and too robotic to you, I can assure you that taking notes—like you’re a student of your new friend—will serve you well in conversation and immediately form a special bond. As you limit distractions, take notes on your friends like you’re a student of them. What are you learning about them? What upcoming events, anniversaries, or difficult days lie ahead for them?
Loving through your face
For years, people would ask me what was wrong, why I was so annoyed, or what made me so mad. I would say, “What? I’m just thinking deeply about what you’re saying.”
Consider how to express love, curiosity, and investment through your face as you listen to others.
The story below shows how much I identify with her experience.
A significant part of my career at Ford Motor Company included working as an internal consultant for organizational change, specifically training and development in participative management. Effective communication skills were a critical factor to any success. Accordingly, I had the opportunity for my communication skills to be assessed and improved. I must admit that, at that time, my opinion of my communication skills was very high. In fact, I felt the assessments were unnecessary. A part of the assessment was to participate in a role play exercise which involved conflict and required skillful communication for resolution. The exercise was video taped.
After completing the exercise, I was pleased with my performance and was looking forward to reviewing the video.
The video was shocking. In my mind I had been polished and convincing, skillfully controlling the situation and reaching a satisfactory resolution. What the video revealed was angry, intimidating facial expressions and body language. My demeanor was controlling and arrogant.
For the first time, I recognized what others had known all a long. I was not the person I believed I was. With that realization, I began to understand why many prior difficult interpersonal circumstances had puzzled and frustrated me and defied resolution. That occasion of truthful self-awareness was a turning point which changed me profoundly.
In a recent casual conversation with Ann, she remarked, “Why are you angry?” What???
I have been deeply impressed with the importance of loving conversations and concluded they should be recognized and adopted as a spiritual discipline. That is all good, except for the realization I’m not very good at loving conversations. Reasonably decent at conversation, it’s the loving part that’s a challenge. That became apparent, earlier this week, as I attempted to have a conversation with Ann . It was very discouraging to fail to employ insights I have been sharing in my posts. My failure revealed an absence of — love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control — all qualities necessary for loving conversation and most importantly, fruits of the Spirit.
George Ezell – March 25, 2023
Despite my daughter’s protest, I will repeat a classic illustration of communication failure for me. 40+ years ago — manager at Ford Motor Company— elder and Bible teacher in our church —loving husband and father of five children — overly confident of my communication expertise; I received this Father’s Day card from our teenage daughter:
Obviously, failure at communication is not a new problem for me. I’d like to think my recent stumble was an abberation, but the truth is, it was’t an exception. Honestly assessing adverse relational experiences reveals a common denominator, communication failure — characterized by either an unwillingness to communicate, or an inability to communicate effectively. Conversely, positive relational experiences, are almost always bathed in meaningful, loving conversation.
Engaging in meaningful, loving conversation is a delightful and rewarding part of being human.
When conversation goes wrong, the potential for anger, pain, division, hatred and harm is real. A significant factor energizing and sustaining current social and political chaos, and dysfunctional personal relationships, is conversation gone wrong. The pertinent question is “What’s going wrong?”
Chapter 5 – What Goes Wrong In Conversation
As we think about developing satisfying and warm relationships—and the wonderful purpose of meaningful conversations to connect, encourage others, share our lives, and love people well—is a great time to ask what’s going wrong in our conversational patterns. Self-examination leads to significant improvement in our friendships as we honestly assess toxic patterns in how we relate to others. I know what you’re thinking. It’s other people who make it hard for you to have close relationships. They are the problem, right?
Who Am I ?
Arrogant, my perceived status as a more excellent human being shapes my relations with others. Since he I am superior to others, I do not regard others as having anything to offer me, nor do I believe they have the ability to enrich my life. The views and opinions of others are not of interest to me, and I treat them with disdain. Others owe me, in virtue of my excellence, a special sort of deference. I establish hierarchical and nonreciprocal relationships with my fellow human beings. Relationships marked by a lack of the mutual enrichment … an essential component of true friendship.
OR
a humble person that believes every person offers something of value. Every person I encounter might teach me something, or I might grant them a fresh perspective, or support and help them in just the way they need. A humble person positions themselves to experience awe because of what they experience by being with another person.
Having conversation is a minefield. I want to believe I am a humble person, however, after pondering Halleman’s pitfalls (land mines) to avoid in conversation, it is a miracle I experience meaningful, loving conversations at all. If I ever gave the impression that meaningful, loving conversations are an easy answer, I was wrong. I’ve got a lot of work to do and time is getting short. Take some time to engage in self-examination of your conversation experiences.
Pitfalls to avoid in conversation
Criticizing It’s easy for me to find what’s wrong about a situation or a person. I enjoy pointing out what isn’t working or what I don’t like about something. Most of my conversations involve me telling others what offends me or upsets me about someone.
Complaining It’s natural for me to complain about how bad my day is going. I complain about my work, my problems, my health, and my family. I have a difficult time expressing gratitude or finding out what’s going well.
Advice-giving When people share a problem with me, I immediately tell them what to do because I have experienced that and have wisdom. I always know what’s best for people.
Self-absorption I love to talk about myself and focus on what I need. When I’m in conversation, I cannot wait for you to stop talking so I can share my ideas and what I need from you. I often speak for long stretches and expect others to listen attentively.
Divisiveness I often pit people against each other or speak in a way that’s “us versus them.” I believe we have real enemies, and it’s my job to warn you about how bad other people are. I’m not interested in finding common ground with people who believe differently from me about religion or politics.
Flattery I want people to like me, so I find ways to compliment them even if I don’t believe what I’m saying. I want people to feel good around me, so I say disingenuous things. I just want to please people.
Manipulation In conversation, I like to think about what I can get from a person or how I can use them to my advantage to advance my goals. I believe strongly in networking and in finding friends who have power or prestige so they can help me in my goals. I also speak to people to secretly get them to do what I want.
Codependence I like people needing me and wanting me to solve their problems. I want my children, spouse, friends, and coworkers to always need me. I also expect others to always be there for me to make me feel better and solve my problems. I’m always checking in on my friends and feel anxious if too many hours go by without me knowing how they are doing. Gossip Most of my conversations involve sharing private information about others, talking about the lives of other people, or asking about other people’s misfortunes so I can feel better about myself.
Arrogance I often believe I am better than others because of my financial status, ethnicity, race, education, or gender. I am bored by the interests and opinions of others and would rather talk about my own ideas. I see myself as superior to others and do not think they have anything of real value to offer me.
This post reinforced my conclusion that loving conversation is a spiritual discipline, however, an interesting perspective has emerged in this process. Rather than just seeing loving conversation as a spiritual discipline yielding spiritual formation, it can also be understood as fruit of the Spirit. Assuming that debatable perspective to be valid, the presence or absence of loving conversation could be a reliable barometer of spiritual health and vitality, good or ill. For me, that presents some very uncomfortable realities.
My failure revealed an absence of — love, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, self-control —
