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Category: Conversations Matter

Conversations Matter – Theology of a Loving Conversation

Reading “The Six Conversations: Pathways to Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility.” affirmed many previously held understandings about conversations and their role in healthy relationships.

My introduction to Heather Halleman and “The Six Conversations” came via a “No Small Endeavor” podcast . The podcast is an excellent and convenient introduction.
I was hooked after hearing :

“The most loving thing we can do is have meaningful conversations.”

This post is primarily citations from Chapter 2. I believe Heather’s insights on Theology of a Loving Conversation are more than adequate to establish a theological basis for loving conversations.
Succeeding posts will address some implications I believe loving conversations could have on one’s faith journey.


Chapter Two – Theology of a loving conversation

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  (Phil. 2:3)

My loving conversations, rooted in Philippians 2, became my primary act of service and the way I humbled myself to take on the nature of a servant. As I continued to grow in the art of a loving conversation, I found so much biblical support for the Four Mindsets. Paul’s command to discover the interests of others related directly to my becoming a curious person.

Honoring others related to positive regard, and I found more commands to walk “with humility toward one another” (1 Peter 5:5).

Paul even tells us to “outdo one another in showing honor” (Rom. 12:10). But what about the idea of investment and expressing concern about others?

Paul tells us to “rejoice with those who rejoice [and] weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15) and to “carry each other’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2 NIV). How would I know how to rejoice if I never ask about anyone’s good news? How would I encourage and comfort others if I never ask about how they are struggling?

And, most vitally, how could I continue in my past ways of selfishness if I ever wanted to uphold Jesus’ command to love one another as He has loved me (John 15:12)?

…consider the command to share our lives in verses like James 5:16: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Telling other people how we’re struggling invites this kind of prayer and healing. It’s also a way to allow the often-quoted verse in Proverbs 27:17 to come about: “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Allowing this “sharpening” involves humility and the willingness to live vulnerably.

Paul seems especially passionate about the importance of sharing one’s life as he penned the first letter to the Thessalonian church. He explains how delighted and ready he was to “share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves” (1 Thess. 2:8). I read this verse carefully as a young professional who wanted to build a philosophy of living as a teacher and friend. What would it mean to share my “own [self]” in the work God had called me to do as a teacher, mother, and friend? Sharing my life with others—my struggles, my hopes, my fears, and my victories—would forever become part of the art of conversation and a vulnerable risk I would choose to take over and over again.

If we look deeper into this idea of sharing “our own selves” from a biblical perspective, we might consider John 17 and the way Jesus prays for believers. Jesus prays that we would “be one” together just as the Father was in Him (v. 21). Think about the commands in Scripture to have “unity of mind” (1 Peter 3:8); to see ourselves as “one body” who are “members one of another” (Rom. 12:5); to understand our baptism into “one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free” (1 Cor. 12:13); and to live so interconnected that if someone “suffers, all suffer together” and if someone “is honored, all rejoice together” (1 Cor. 12:26).

Essentially, Jesus’ desire for our interconnectedness reflects what the science of relationships now confirms. To put it simply, think of the famous quote from C. S. Lewis, who writes that all friendship comes from that moment when someone says, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.”
When you share mutually, you find the connection on which all great relationships depend.

Finally, God marvelously shares His life with us. The incarnation of God—who came to earth and made His dwelling among us—shows us God’s desire to share and give up His very life to make a way for us to know Him. And He gives us the greatest gift of the Holy Spirit so we might experience union with Him. The Lord shares His thoughts with us as the Holy Spirit uses Scripture and prayer to communicate with His people. In Psalm 25:14, we read how “the friendship of the LORD is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.”

God desires intimate connection with us, and Jesus gave up His life on the cross that we might be in conversation with the living God. Jesus Himself opened up and shared His sorrow in the garden of Gethsemane as told in Matthew 26:38. He says, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.” That moment of vulnerability reminds me that God desires connection.
Conversations matter to God, and He models a perfect way to connect with others.

I want to grow in my ability to connect with others through loving conversations. I want to see conversations as a sacred space. Let’s think about our next conversation as a way to honor others above ourselves, to value others above ourselves and take an interest in them, to encourage one another, to demonstrate kindness and compassion, and ultimately, to love people. When we do this, we reflect God’s character.

STILL ON THE JOURNEY

Conversations Matter – Share Your Life

Continuing Conversations Matter, reflecting on THE SIX CONVERSATIONS: Pathways to 
Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility
 by Heather Holleman.

In Simple Terms, If I Were To Tell You The Four Most Critical Things To Do To Foster A Warm And Connected Conversation, I’d Say This: 
Be Curious 
* Believe The Best 
* Express Concern 
*
Share Your Life

In The Art of Positive Communication, professor of Applied Communication Julien Mirivel tells us the seven behaviors needed in a great conversation. Besides greeting, asking questions, complimenting, encouraging, listening, and inspiring, great conversations involve disclosing personal information.

According to the research on the three best strategies to create relational closeness, openness—the “willingness to share personal information” and not “withhold private information” matters deeply. The other two behaviors—attention and involvement—relate to the mindset of investment. When we’re invested and share our lives, we’ll find we’re on our way to truly meaningful conversations with others.

Holleman, Heather. The Six Conversations (p. 36). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

SHARE YOUR LIFE

…think of the famous quote from C. S. Lewis, who writes that all friendship comes from that moment when someone says, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.” When you share mutually, you find the connection on which all great relationships depend.

Mutual Sharing


Conversation is a two-way street. Sharing one’s life creates vulnerability. Mutuality deters relational power imbalances which can occur when only one person shares.
One-sided disclosure inhibits cognitive interdependence —necessary for great conversations.
(the tendency of individuals in close, committed relationships to think of themselves less in individual terms and more as partners in a dyadic relationship)
Charles Taylor observed: “Sociability as conversation could suggest a model of society as mutual exchange rather than hierarchical order”

Mutual sharing clashes with the notion we must do without support, which is ingrained in our nation’s culture. Our most toxic myth is our “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” individualism. Enlightenment notions of individual autonomy, independence, rights, freedom and liberty run deep in the American consciousness and impede mutual sharing. An antidote to individualism is “The art of dependence” — which means accepting aid with grace and, crucially, recognizing the importance of others. It takes dignity and skill to lean on friends, loved ones and colleagues…

Mutual sharing creates questions about personal boundaries. Boundaries, though necessary, should not be impermeable. In encounters with others, boundaries are always crossed, in fact, even if only minimally. People and communities with dynamic identities will have firm but permeable boundaries. With such boundaries, encounters with others don’t serve only to assert our position and claim our territory; they are also occasions to learn and to teach, to be enriched and to enrich, to come to new agreements and maybe reinforce the old ones, and to dream up new possibilities and explore new paths.

Share Your Life
Personal assessment:
I love to share my life with other people: Rarely | Sometimes | Almost always

Reflect: Why do you think you feel this way? What happened to make you this kind of person? What’s your next step in developing this skill? What resistance or hesitation do you have to this conversational skill?

Holleman, Heather. The Six Conversations (p. 39).

STILL ON THE JOURNEY


Conversations Matter – Express Concern

Continuing Conversations Matter, reflecting on THE SIX CONVERSATIONS: Pathways to 
Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility
 by Heather Holleman.

In Simple Terms, If I Were To Tell You The Four Most Critical Things To Do To Foster A Warm And Connected Conversation, I’d Say This: 
Be Curious 
* Believe The Best 
*
Express Concern 
* Share Your Life

If you’re learning to be curious about others and you’ve trained your mind to begin with positive regard, you’ll find that conversations might still lack the warmth and meaning you’re hoping for.

Express Concern

“Bless your Heart” does not count!

“Bless your heart” a phrase common to the Southern United States, is the product of an honor shame culture primarily concerned about how you are perceived by others. The double-edged use of the phrase is a way to give a little jab to others without acting ugly … because southerners never act ugly.

The phrase has multiple meanings and is used to express genuine sympathy but sometimes as an insult that conveys condescension, derision, or contempt. It may also be spoken as a precursor to an insult to mitigate its severity. Meanings range from “you are dumb but can’t help it” to “f**k you” and are primarily imparted through context and tone. While common in the South, it is primarily used by individuals who wish to “be sweet” and do not wish to “act ugly.”

Wikipedia

Reflecting on expressions of concern for others in my conversations, I recognize the influence of my southern heritage and its honor shame culture. While I avoid “bless your heart”, there are other expressions that come in handy:
—”Interesting…” —”What did you do?”— “Oh, man (dear)! — ” I am praying for you.” —
to name a few; any one may be either innocent or disingenuous. The challenge I find in having meaningful, loving conversations; is more than words, it is about who we are and the intent of our hearts. Only if we authentically care about others will loving conversations happen.

Words kill, words give life;
    they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.
Prov 18:21 MSG

INVESTMENT
I appreciate Holleman’s characterization of “express concern” as investment. Expressing concern that fosters warm and connected conversations is not about being “sweet” or not being “ugly”; it is an investment.
Investment means you’re interested in the outcome of what a person shares with you, and you express concern about their lives. You’re devoting time and energy because you care about what happens to the other person. You’re invested in their lives. You’re listening in order to support, encourage, and inspire. Investment also implies a gain on behalf of both parties. You link their success with your success, their failure with your failure, their sadness with yours. Investment is a form of support that moves beyond empathy; it’s a willingness to “carry each other’s burdens…”

In a recent study on how people“mutually responsive close relationships,” researchers stated that “an optimal relationship starts with it being a relationship in which people assume a special responsibility for one another’s welfare.” I’m learning when I engage in loving conversations with others, communicating investment makes all the difference in the quality of connection. I’m learning when I engage in loving conversations with others, communicating investment makes all the difference in the quality of connection. Therefore, we can express concern about what someone is going through. Consider this: your friend might be genuinely curious about you and like you, but if he doesn’t really care about the information you’re sharing with him, you won’t feel the connection and warmth you otherwise could.

Expressing concern is perhaps t\he hardest skill of all because it involves the wisdom to know what to do and how to help with the information someone shares with you in conversation. Investment doesn’t mean to take on everyone’s problems as your own, but it does mean you position yourself to support others as you can, to care about them, and to imagine an interconnectedness with their lives. It’s a way to live communally and joyfully so that you genuinely celebrate with others just as you would mourn with them.

The Six Conversations

I am reminded of what I heard in the podcast:

“The most loving thing we can do is have meaningful conversations.”

If that is true, and I believe it is; the implications for discipling and discipleship are far-reaching and worthy of further consideration.

Resources:
The Return of Shame – Andy Crouch
Where Does the South End and Christianity Begin? – David French
Shame, Honor, And The South – The American Conservative
Culture of honor (Southern United States) – Wikipedia
Honor, shame, and the Gospel in the American South: Part I

STILL ON THE JOURNEY

Conversations Matter – Believe the Best

Continuing Conversations Matter, reflecting on THE SIX CONVERSATIONS: Pathways to
Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility
by Heather Holleman.

In Simple Terms, If I Were To Tell You The Four Most Critical Things To Do To Foster A Warm And Connected Conversation, I’d Say This: 
Be Curious 
* Believe The Best 
* Express Concern 
* Share Your Life

Without positive regard (believing the best), our attempts at curiosity won’t make much difference. I’ve known people who act curious about my life for self-serving reasons; they want morsels to gossip about or ways to trap me in opinions they want to disparage. Or they just run through a list of questions because they are trying to connect out of duty or because it feels like a good leadership skill to ask a good question. Worse, I know they don’t necessarily like me or wish to warmly connect; they want to talk for argument’s sake. But when someone asks questions rooted in genuine interest from a position of love and respect, I love to open up to this person.

In simple terms, positive regard means you position yourself to respect, admire, like, and enjoy the person with whom you’re in conversation.

The Six Conversations

At this point, I am of the opinion that Believing the Best may be the most challenging of the four most critical things to do to foster a warm and connected conversation. Let me explain:

Some years ago I came across this quote from A.W. Tozer: “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.”. I believe that is an essential truth. If what comes into our minds about God is incorrect, our relationship with God and its demonstration in our lives will not be experienced to its fullest, if at all. The intricacies and implications of knowing God are beyond this post, but it sets up my point about believing the best.

Back to “Believing the Best”.
Repurposing Tozer’s quote
” What comes into our minds when we think about the other person is the most important thing when it comes to warm and connected conversations”.
Without positive regard for the other person, conversation will not achieve its full potential, or, perhaps, any benefit at all, or, worse, be damaging.
…imagine what it feels like to enter into a conversation with someone who you feel judges you, who criticizes you, and who is looking for ways to put you down, improve you, or change you. Nobody wants to open up in an environment like this.

Trust is a prerequisite to believe the best about someone. Unfortunately, trust is becoming more and more scarce in our polarized and divisive society.

…in the early 1970s half of Americans said that most people can be trusted; today that figure is less than one-third. And a recent Pew poll found that social trust declines sharply from generation to generation. In 2018, around 29% of Americans over 65 said that most people can’t be trusted, while 60% of Americans 18 to 29 agree. Recent research suggests that social trust levels harden with age, meaning that trust will continue to fall as trusting generations are replaced by mistrustful ones.

I am confident “Believe the Best” is necessary and appropriate in fostering meaningful and healthy conversations. I am not confident “the best” is what comes into our minds of most of us when we think about others.
“Give the benefit of the doubt” or similar sentiments are not a part of today’s lexicon. As seen in the data above there is not much reason for optimism that attitudes toward each other will improve.
I would argue that “believe the best” is an attribute of Christ followers. Ironically, it seems many who profess to be Christians choose to not to give the benefit of the doubt nor believe the best; which may explain why warm and connected conversations are an anomaly for many Christians.

Hopefully, observations in this post will stimulate self-examination as it has for me.
Consider:
Reflecting on what first comes into your mind about the other people.
Ask if your first impulse is to believe he best? Give the benefit of the doubt?
If not, why is that so and how can it be changed?

Heather Holleman offers this advice:

When I’m having trouble choosing to believe the best about someone because of their actions or attitudes that I may find morally reprehensible, I try to think of what this person was like as a child. I remember to discover the story behind why this person feels or acts as they do. Then I find myself overcome with compassion rather than condemnation.

The SixConversations pg.30

STILL ON THE JOURNEY

Conversations Matter – Be Curious

In simple terms, if I were to tell you the four most critical things to do to foster a warm and connected conversation, I’d say this:
* Be curious
* Believe the best
* Express concern
* Share your life

In 1936, Dale Carnegie published How to Win Friends and Influence People, a book selling over 30 million copies to become one of the best-selling books of all time. Carnegie claimed something so simple about how to make lasting friendships. Be genuinely interested in other people. He famously wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Simple enough, right?

Be Curious
Experience confirms my belief that curiosity about others is a casualty of our secularized, self-centered culture. Holleman observes: …most people in their lives stay self-absorbed and self-involved. When we get together with friends, besides talking about the news or the weather or simply monologuing about work or children, rarely will someone ask a good question about our lives. It leaves so many of us frustrated, isolated, and empty after spending significant amounts of time in meaningless interaction. If only we could foster curiosity about one another!
Imagine you’re a curious person who loves gathering information about others for the pure joy of understanding their lives.

Psychologist and educator Mary Pipher reminds us how another person’s individuality is a “tremendous gift to the world” because it is a “one-of-a-kind point of view on the universe.” Even more, consider how other people are hiding a treasure within them; it’s our job to unearth that treasure—whether the treasure is how they see their world, what they know, or simply who they are in all their radiant beauty as children of God. What if you learn something that might change your life? What if they say something that unlocks a mystery for you? What if this person is the next step on your journey or vice versa? What if together you make a connection about something you would have never otherwise known? Sometimes I picture two people coming together in conversation like it’s a chemical reaction. Something amazing will happen in that moment. Something’s about to catalyze (great verb!).

The Six Conversations

PROCEED WITH CAUTION
Curiosity about others involves risk. Applying Holleman’s advice on how to be curious has potential to be disingenuous and/or manipulative, damaging relationships. Certainly conversation can happen, but there is always the temptation to achieve self-serving ends. i.e. Heather calls for us “...to be curious. Curious people build better relationships. Curious people experience greater well-being and pleasure. Curious people become more creative and less stressed out. And your curiosity just might lead you to romance. WOW.

To avoid misuse, curiosity about others must emanate from authentic desire to know others and share oneself, creating a mutually beneficial experience . To put it simply, curiosity properly used, is an act of agape love.
Seizing “curiosity about others”, or, for that matter, conversation as “the solution” to a malaise of loneliness and unhappiness in our lives without love is counterproductive.

BE CURIOUS
Like life, conversations are a minefield, but the rewards of a loving conversation outweigh the risk.

Psychology researcher Todd Kashdan feels so strongly about the value of interpersonal curiosity that he called it the “secret juice of relationships.” In fact, Kashdan argues that “if you take the fundamental things that people tend to want out of life—strong social relationships and happiness and accomplishing things—all of these are highly linked to curiosity.”

The Six Conversations

STILL ON THE JOURNEY