“You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart — your stories, visions, memories, visions and songs. Your truth, your version of things, your own voice. That is really all you have to offer us. And that’s also why you were born.”
Anne Lamott
“You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart — your stories, visions, memories, visions and songs. Your truth, your version of things, your own voice. That is really all you have to offer us. And that’s also why you were born.”
Anne Lamott
This post is the first of several planned on the subject of conversations, and continues a thread started seven years ago. You can read those posts HERE and HERE.
My introduction to Heather Halleman and “The Six Conversations” came via a “No Small Endeavor” podcast . The podcast is an excellent and convenient introduction. After hearing : “The most loving thing we can do is have meaningful conversations.” I was hooked.
The Six Conversations supplies fresh insights into the nature and character of conversation and provides much needed skills and methods essential for loving conversations.
In 2019 Michael Frost called for a “conversational revolution”; that need has only increased.
…61 percent of young people today report feelings of “serious loneliness” (only heightened by the COVID-19 pandemic) …Nearly half of Americans report sometimes or always feeling alone (46 percent) or left out (47 percent). …One in four Americans (27 percent) rarely or never feel as though there are people who really understand them. …Two in five Americans sometimes or always feel that their relationships are not meaningful (43 percent) and that they are isolated from others. …One in five people report they rarely or never feel close to people (20 percent) or feel like there are people they can talk to (18 percent)…. …Only around half of Americans (53 percent) have daily meaningful in-person social interactions, such as having an extended conversation with a friend or spending quality time with family. …Generation Z (adults ages 18–22) is the loneliest generation and claims to be in worse health than older generations.
“The Six Conversations”: pg.10
If you’re wondering why [conversations] matter so much, answer these questions: When was the last time someone asked you a question that invited you to truly open your heart in conversation? How close do you feel to your spouse? Your children? Your best friends? How close do you feel to your neighbors and coworkers? Do you find you don’t know how to draw people into conversation, and if you can, would you describe these conversations as “warm” and “connected”? Have you ever been with another person, and this person failed to ask you one meaningful question about your life?
“The Six Conversations”: Pathways to connecting in an age of isolation and incivility by Heather Holleman
Following are some thoughts and ideas which arose in the course of reading “The Six Conversations” and re-reading my posts. Future posts will address them and other aspects conversation..
I wrote in 2020, “For me, conversation has been a life preserver. I am deeply thankful for family, friends and acquaintances with whom I have had conversations during the recent days and months. Conversations matter. Thank you.” That continues to be true. Our time is Florida is filled with meaningful conversations, Our front porch in Wilmore is a great venue for conversations. Conversation is an energy drink for my soul.
I am of the opinion loving conversation should be a spiritual practice; because, when lacking mitigates the efficacy of traditional practices —prayer, fasting, simplicity, silence, solitude, service, giving, Bible study, et al.
Loving conversation is a primary tool in the evangelism toolbox. In a loneliness filled society, loving conversations are catnip for lonely people. “The training people most wanted didn’t involve more theology or more inspiration; the training people most wanted was how to have a loving conversation.”
There is the risk of loving conversation becoming the end in itself rather than a means to deeper, meaningful relationships.
“The Six Conversations” reveals…a strategy …that works to achieve warm relationships. It’s a strategy and accompanying skill set rooted in research, framed by the wisdom literature in the Bible, and implemented immediately and easily to improve friendships, romantic partnerships, family relationships, and work life.
The four most critical things to do to foster a warm and connected conversation: Be curious Believe the best Express concern Share your life
I’m looking forward to more posts on Conversations Matter. I very much encourage you to listen to the podcast and read “The Six Conversations”.
I think of my 2020 experience, thus far, as treading water. The shoreline is not in sight. The depth of the water requires constant treading to keep from drowning. The waves are relentless, there is no relief. It is exhausting. Although sustained by hope that transcends the immediate, there is no exemption from immanent peril. In the midst of these despairing circumstances, I have encountered an unexpected and welcomed life preserver. Perhaps you can recall an occasion you were not sure you could go on and suddenly someone threw you a life preserver, you grasped it tightly and in a moment everything changed. There is relief from struggling and opportunity to regain strength. Despite the truth that you’re still stranded, confidence of survival abounds. For me, conversation has been a life preserver. I am deeply thankful for family, friends and acquaintances with whom I have had conversations during the recent days and months. Conversations matter. Thank you.
This week I came across two articles related to conversation and provide further insight into why conversations matter.
FRIENDS: In his book, Social, by Matthew Lieberman reports on a survey of people’s social connections that was done in 1985 and again in 2004.
People were asked to list their friends in response to the question “Over the last six months, who are the people with whom you discussed matters important to you?” In 1985, the most common number of friends listed was three; 59 percent of respondents listed three or more friends fitting this description.
But by 2004, the most common number of friends with whom you would discuss important matters was zero. And only 37 percent of respondents listed three or more friends. Back in 1985, only 10 percent indicated that they had zero confidants. In 2004, this number had skyrocketed to 25 percent.
As Lieberman says, “One out of every four of us is walking around with no one to share our lives with.”
Interestingly friends are defined as people with whom you have discussed matters important to you. It gave me pause to think about who I have to share my life with. I fear the 2004 percentage has diminished significantly in our increasingly social media dominate society. Perhaps we need a conversational revolution as suggested by Michael Frost.
Let’s start a conversational revolution! Let’s commit to showing a real interest in others. Make it your goal to never leave a social situation without getting at least one new piece of information about every person you had a conversation with. And when you’re in a conversation with someone who’s more than willing to answer your insightful questions, but completely disinclined to ask you anything, call it out. Say something like, “Sorry, I’ve been dominating by asking all the questions. I suppose you’ve got lots of questions about my life?” Michael Frost https://mikefrost.net/why-havent-you-asked-me-anything-about-my-life/?fbclid=IwAR0HP2-Lpkgy4QCHnGlwDzMTCU5RjujwZUD7taotfGS3eKyumQEOPvgYeGg
…the character of our conversation in human relationships betrays the health of the relationship, … For example if conversations with friend or family never progress beyond the trivial and/or self centered yada… yada… yada; at best, the relationship will not grow and most likely will diminish over time. On the other hand, when conversations reflect mutual interest and concern, share inner feelings, fears and desires, it is a sign of a healthy relationship. http://www.georgeezell.com/2019/01/prayer-as-conversation/
Language is the gift of God, uniquely human. Within it is borne a power to reveal, indeed a power that is deeply related to the act of creation itself. In Genesis, God creates with speech. It is the means by which we pray, the primary means of communion with others. Words are physical objects, passing from our mouths to the ears of others. We touch each other with words. Speech has been made worthy to serve as a sacrifice before God. Fr Stephen Freeman
Since my last post, in which I expressed conviction that conversation can be a transforming influence for positive and lasting change in our fragmented society, I am now thinking conversation is the only path to positive and lasting change. My conclusion is obviously debatable and, I believe, worthy of conversation. (Duh) Hopefully, there will be opportunity for meaningful conversations. This post does not address my conclusion directly, assumes it to be true and attempts to share some practical suggestions for redeeming conversation.
(Internal conversation as I write this post): [Routinely failing in attempts to have meaningful, constructive conversation,(Ironically, Even with Ann as I write.) what makes me think I have credibility to offer suggestions on redeeming conversations? ] [Amazon lists 50,000 + books on conversation, thousands of titles specifically related to understanding and improving conversation. What can I possibly add? Why should my opinion matter? ] [“Care about people’s approval, and you will always be their prisoner.” – Lao Tzu] With that, I decided to continue writing.
Offering suggestions for redeeming conversation is based on an assumption that “conversation is a lost art”. Sherry Turkle writes: “The world is more talkative now, in many ways, than it’s ever been. The problem is that all of this talk can come at the expense of conversation. We’re talking at each other rather than with each other I believe we have lost the art of talking with each other.
Reducing conversation to talking with each other doesn’t lessen the challenge of redeeming conversation. For the purposes of this post, conversation with each other, is intimate settings with limited participants. In that context, conversation has the greatest potential for creating understanding and change. It is there deep meaningful relationships are create. Redemption of conversation more broadly must start there. That is not to say larger settings aren’t beneficial. The difference is, in larger settings, we settle for an appetizer when we could have a full course meal.
The following are pre-requisites for redeeming conversation. They originate from years of education, experience and study. More importantly, they have been clarified and refined by repeated failures at conversation. They are witness to my failures.
Think of them as marriage vows. Vows are not marriage, but you can’t have marriage without them. Most often, we come to conversation without other’s commitment to engage, for that reason, transforming conversations require unilateral commitment (Committed means we are willing to make a promise with no expectation of return; a promise void of barter and not conditional on another’s action.(*) )to these essentials. To the extent we honor our commitment to them, conversations can happen and become increasingly transformative.
HUMILITY, INTENTIONALITY, QUESTIONS, REFLECTION Listed in order of priority. Each is a gateway to its successor .
HUMILITY
Doing nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Valuing others above yourself. Not looking to your own interests but to the interests of others. (Adapted Phil 4:3-4)
Humility is the foundation of all the other virtues hence, in the soul in which this virtue does not exist there cannot be any other virtue except in mere appearance. Augustine of Hippo
Humility is the awareness that there’s a lot you don’t know and that a lot of what you think you know is distorted or wrong.” “The Road to Character” by David Brooks
In the struggle against your own weakness, humility is the greatest virtue. Humility is having an accurate assessment of your own nature and your own place in the cosmos. Humility is awareness that you are an underdog in the struggle against your own weakness. Humility is an awareness that your individual talents alone are inadequate to the tasks that have been assigned to you. Humility reminds you that you are not the center of the universe, but you serve a larger order. “The Road to Character” by David Brooks
If conversation is a vehicle to positive and lasting change in our fragmented society, humility is the the ignition key. We can’t get started without it. Redeeming conversation is personal. It cannot be dictated or legislated. Without humility redeeming conversation that transforms is not possible. Because humility gets little respect in our post-modern, secular culture, I am concerned. Because humility is profoundly Christ-like, I am hopeful. Conversation is possible without humility, and so is marriage without love. I don’t care to have either.
INTENTIONALITY
Perhaps the great irony of our time is convenient, efficient means of communication and scarcity of transforming conversation. Sadly, my great-grandchildren will not likely have the pleasure of reading hand-written love letters. Transforming conversations are collateral damage from a commitment to utility, efficiency, productivity, technological progress, all sacred values of our culture. It is not that we don’t want to have transforming conversations, it is just that we cannot be true to our cultural values and have them. In “the good ole days” opportunity and context for transforming conversations abounded. It was not necessary to be intentional. Today it’s completely changed, the predominance of communication is impersonal. Why should I write a personal note when I can send an email, or just send a text? To have transforming conversations requires proximity and that requires intentionality. Rare is the occasion when someone drops in for a visit. Intentionality is expressed by engagement as well as invitation. For transforming conversations to happen in the course of everyday engagement with people, awareness and intentionality are required. It it is going to be, it’s up to me.
QUESTIONS
Once equipped with humility, the most important tool for creating transforming conversation is questions. Inviting questions are more valuable than supplying answers. Usually our default position for initiating conversation is expressing an opinion, giving advice or uninvited criticism. Questions open up the conversation, answers close it down. Transformation comes with questions, not answers. Unfortunately, in our secularized, self-centered society, conversation is often co-opted as an opportunity to control, manage, and manipulate to achieve self-importance. The objective is to establish rightness. Social media provides the perfect context for achieving that ambition. It is a dream come true …everyone shuts up and listens to me It is the questions that change our life. Questions confront in ways that statements and answers don’t. If you want to effect change, find a powerful question. For reasons, stated above, questions require intentionality. Questions are a child of humility. Recognition of the need for and value of questions is not sufficient. Intentional development of skills necessary to effectively employ questions in transforming conversations is required (credit to “Civic Engagement and Restoration of Community”)
REFLECTION
One of the most powerful ways to enhance any relationship is to take the time to sincerely listen with the heart. It takes a little more time and patience, but the rewards are absolutely worth it.
Gwen Randall Young
One of our deepest longings – deeper than we even perhaps recognize day to to day – is that other people should acknowledge certain of our feelings.We want – at key moments – our sufferings should be understood, our anxieties noticed and our sadness lent legitimacy. We don’t want others necessarily to agree with all our feelings, but what we crave is that they at least validate them. (*)
Disempowered groups often feel like their voice isn’t being heard. They think their values and needs aren’t being considered, and this can fuel resentment toward the more dominant group, who often has more of a stronghold over public debate. However, when the dominant group makes an effort to hear things from another point-of-view, the disempowered group begins to feel that their values and needs are being listened to. This can be a great starting point for easing conflict and tension. (unknown)
There’s no better feeling than the feeling of being heard and understood, even if it doesn’t mean you get your way or that the other person agrees with you – it’s great to feel like someone put themselves in your shoes for a moment.
I chose reflection rather than listening as the last pre-requisite, because humility, intentionality and questions inherently result in listening. However, listening is not enough. Transformation, change occur when trust emerges. When someone reflects accurately what has been shared with them, trust develops. A trust not based on agreement but on understanding. Reflection validates understanding has been achieved. As with questions, reflection requires intentionality, it is aso a test of humility to suspend the desire to rebut and do the hard work of putting on the shoes of another. Once that happens, we can move forward together.
“… make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Transformation is a change in the nature of things, not simply an improvement. More clarity, more arguments, more waiting for others to change does not change anything. If transformation occurs primarily in language, then a different kind of conversation is the vehicle through which transformation occurs.
Written some years ago, you can read my initial post “Conversation and Transformation” HERE. Over the intervening years, even more so recently, conversation has been a subject of interest. Understanding the quality of conversations as a barometer of the depth and healthiness of relationships is a handy assessment tool. If you are curious about the how a relationship is fairing, start with what you talk about. If your conversations are dominated with weather or sports, for example, they may not be the person to call when your life goes south, or for that matter, if you car won’t start. (See previous post Prayer as Conversation)
During the chaos of 202o, conversation has been a balm for my troubled soul. Circumstances of social distancing, stay-at-home, et al, inherently created opportunity for conversation, out of necessity, with one or two people. I have particularly appreciated conversations with friends. In some cases, the kind of conversation described below:
I’m talking about one kind of friendship in particular, the deep friendship of intimate conversation. Long, uninterrupted talk with one other person. Not Skyping with three people and texting with two others at the same time while you hang out in a friend’s room listening to music and studying. That’s what Emerson meant when he said that “the soul environs itself with friends, that it may enter into a grander self-acquaintance or solitude.” William Deresiewicz
Perhaps a cliche, but increasingly true in our social media saturated society, “Conversation is a lost art.”. Having a Facebook,Instagram, social media “conversation” is an oxymoron.
Conversation has been reduced from discussion and dialogue to diatribe and demagoguery. No longer an opportunity for understanding, community and relationship, conversation (?) has become a weapon to win our particular war. If “conversation is a lost art”, listening is obsolete.
I am convinced conversation can be a transforming influence for positive and lasting change in our fragmented society. Even as I say that, my default belief, … the way to change the world is to get to work solving the problems we know exist… is saying, “Conversation? You’ve got to be kidding.”
Karoline Lewis from Luther Seminary says, “We are living in a time when conversation needs to be cultivated and valued. Practiced and pursued. Longed for and lived. Without real conversation, we lack intimacy and understanding; connection and empathy. Without real conversation, we risk detachment and distance.” And it is especially important that we learn to have conversations with people that are different.
My resolve about conversation as a transforming influence for positive and lasting change was heightened by a recent study entitled “America’s Divided Mind”. You can read a summary and download the full report HERE. One particular aspect caught my attention, and relates directly to conversation. Addressing differences that divide us, the study examined perceived difference verses actual differences. The graphic below illustrates one of their findings.
There are many implications to be drawn from their findings. I had two distinct impressions, 1) I was not surprised how far apart we perceive we are. 2) I was encouraged by how far apart we actually are. To be sure, the differences are significant but a long way from what we perceive they are.
As I look at position overlap, I see great opportunity for progress. If there is that much agreement, surely the possibly of compromise, if not agreement, is within reach. As evidenced by the study, there is little or no awareness of a position overlap. The gap between perception and reality cannot be bridged by facts or data.
In a post-modern culture where perception is truth, tools of the enlightenment are obsolete. I am suggesting that the only place where position overlap can be expressed, clarified and understood is in conversation. Conversation is the crucible where the dross of misperception is burned off. Conversations matter more than ever.
Easier said than done. The challenge of engaging in conversation is daunting, but in the face of our spiraling decent into division, chaos and violence, how can we ignore an opportunity for positive change? Yes, conversation is a lost art, but it can be redeemed.
In posts to follow I will share some thoughts on how we might begin to redeem conversation.
I am currently reading a paper I “accidentally” came across. Written by Peter Block, it is entitled Civic Engagement and the Restoration of Community – Changing the Nature of the Conversation. It is a challenging read and contains some really powerful ideas about community, leadership and conversation, to name a few. Although civic engagement is not my immediate concern, I am finding his ideas are also relevant to spiritual community engagement. Though all the content is not likely directly transferable to a spiritual community context, there appears to be some important ideas that can be relevant.
For example, the citation below on Conversation and Transformation is personally painful. As I read it, I realized the conversations to be avoided or postponed, are conversations I mostly engage in when in a small group setting. Since transformation is high on my agenda, and my conversations aren’t contributing to transformation, my interest in the article has increased significantly. Hopefully, I will be able to gain some insights into the kind of conversations through which transformation occurs.
Certain conversations are satisfying and true yet have no power and no accountability. For example, the conversations we want to avoid or postpone are:
Telling the history of how we got here
Giving explanations and opinions
Blaming and complaining
Making reports and descriptions
Carefully defining terms and conditions
Retelling your story again and again
Seeking quick action
Talking about people not in the room
These conversations characterize most meetings, conferences, press releases, trainings, master plans, summits and the call for more studies and expertise. They are well intentioned and valid, but hold little power.
These help us get connected, they increase our understanding of who we are, and most of all they are our habit; they are so ingrained in the social convention of our culture that they cannot be easily dismissed or disrespected. They just do not, however, contribute to a transformation.
Transformation is a change in the nature of things, not simply an improvement. More clarity, more arguments, more waiting for others to change does not change anything. If transformation occurs primarily in language, then a different kind of conversation is the vehicle through which transformation occurs. And the transformational language that is restorative is the one where accountability and commitment become viral and endemic.
