Menu Close

“You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart — your stories, visions, memories, visions and songs. Your truth, your version of things, your own voice. That is really all you have to offer us. And that’s also why you were born.”
Anne Lamott

“You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart — your stories, visions, memories, visions and songs. Your truth, your version of things, your own voice. That is really all you have to offer us. And that’s also why you were born.”
Anne Lamott

Category: Conversations Matter

Conversations Matter- Spiritual Formation

George 1 Comment

In the previous post, Heather’s theology of loving conversations confirmed and validated my conclusion that loving conversations should be recognized and taught as a spiritual discipline.
Recently Richard Beck has written about “mistakes of spiritual formation efforts”. His series gives important context for concluding conversation is/should be a spiritual discipline. Reading the entire series is important, but, in the 5th post he addresses: “… what is missing from almost every spiritual formation effort is direct, interpersonal practice of the interpersonal and emotional virtues.”

The spiritual discipline we are looking for must possess these features:

A practice that is…

  • daily
  • situational
  • direct
  • interpersonal

Let’s walk through the list to show how such a practice fills the gap.

First, this is a practice. It’s not an educational intervention. This is something we do, actions we take.

Second, this this a daily practice. This is something we wake up to each day, Sunday through Saturday. This daily engagement provides us with time on task, allowing us to acquire those 10,000 hours of practice which shape our automatic responses. This is a practice similar to practicing a musical instrument every day. 

Third, the practice is situational. If we’re practicing how to deal with emotional triggers, we have to practice at the specific times and places where we struggle. If, for example, you’re struggling with impatience with a particular person in your life (say a co-worker or a family member) you need to practice patience with that specific person. Being patient elsewhere doesn’t form you where you’re struggling. It’s like a smoker not smoking during a movie in a non-smoking theatre. Any smoker can resist not smoking during the show. Self-control in that context isn’t the issue. Our battles in acquiring virtue are not vague and generic, but contextual and situational. Focusing on this situational specificity helps us overcome the chronic indirectness of most spiritual formation efforts. We need a practice that helps us right here and right nowwhere we struggle and fail. 

Fourth, the practice has to be direct. That is, if you’re wanting to be more kind the practice has to be practicing kindness, directly. You’re not praying or fasting, you’re being kind. To be sure, you should keep praying and fasting, but practicing kindness has to involve practicing kindness. 

And finally, the practice has to be interpersonal. This is obviously implied in everything already shared, but we make the point separately to highlight that this practice is a face to face practice that shapes how we treat and respond to people, especially the person standing right in front of me. There are many spiritual practices that demand we retreat from social life, taking us off into the contemplative “desert,” but we need a practice that forms us within the crucible of daily life with others. A Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote, we share “life together.” We need a practice that forms us within and for this intimate and difficult social space. 

— Loving conversations address every criteria Beck describes.
Conversation fills the “spiritual discipline gap”. —

Adoption and implementation of conversation as a spiritual discipline is fraught with challenges; not the least of which, are prevailing assumptions about traditional spiritual disciplines :
(inward -Bible study, prayer, meditation, and fasting;
outward – service, solitude, submission, and simplicity;
corporate– worship, celebration, confession, and guidance.)
Loving conversation does not fit neatly into our perception of spiritual discipline. For instance, loving conversation, lacks the “spiritual pizzazz” of traditional spiritual disciplines, leading us to dismiss the idea out of hand.

Beck’s four mistakes we make in regards to spiritual disciplines …”point to a gaping hole in the spiritual formation literature, a hole that sits smack in the middle of spiritual formation books, the guidance of spiritual directors, seminary syllabi, and spiritual formation efforts within the church. We can call this hole “the missing spiritual discipline.” Although Beck’s conclusion about what the “missing spiritual discipline” is, differs from mine, I maintain loving conversation as a spiritual discipline deserves serious consideration.

What are you thinking?

STILL ON THE JOURNEY

Conversations Matter – Theology of a Loving Conversation

George 0 Comments

Reading “The Six Conversations: Pathways to Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility.” affirmed many previously held understandings about conversations and their role in healthy relationships.

My introduction to Heather Halleman and “The Six Conversations” came via a “No Small Endeavor” podcast . The podcast is an excellent and convenient introduction.
I was hooked after hearing :

“The most loving thing we can do is have meaningful conversations.”

This post is primarily citations from Chapter 2. I believe Heather’s insights on Theology of a Loving Conversation are more than adequate to establish a theological basis for loving conversations.
Succeeding posts will address some implications I believe loving conversations could have on one’s faith journey.

Chapter Two – Theology of a loving conversation

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  (Phil. 2:3)

My loving conversations, rooted in Philippians 2, became my primary act of service and the way I humbled myself to take on the nature of a servant. As I continued to grow in the art of a loving conversation, I found so much biblical support for the Four Mindsets. Paul’s command to discover the interests of others related directly to my becoming a curious person.

Honoring others related to positive regard, and I found more commands to walk “with humility toward one another” (1 Peter 5:5).

Paul even tells us to “outdo one another in showing honor” (Rom. 12:10). But what about the idea of investment and expressing concern about others?

Paul tells us to “rejoice with those who rejoice [and] weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15) and to “carry each other’s burdens” (Gal. 6:2 NIV). How would I know how to rejoice if I never ask about anyone’s good news? How would I encourage and comfort others if I never ask about how they are struggling?

And, most vitally, how could I continue in my past ways of selfishness if I ever wanted to uphold Jesus’ command to love one another as He has loved me (John 15:12)?

…consider the command to share our lives in verses like James 5:16: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Telling other people how we’re struggling invites this kind of prayer and healing. It’s also a way to allow the often-quoted verse in Proverbs 27:17 to come about: “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Allowing this “sharpening” involves humility and the willingness to live vulnerably.

Paul seems especially passionate about the importance of sharing one’s life as he penned the first letter to the Thessalonian church. He explains how delighted and ready he was to “share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves” (1 Thess. 2:8). I read this verse carefully as a young professional who wanted to build a philosophy of living as a teacher and friend. What would it mean to share my “own [self]” in the work God had called me to do as a teacher, mother, and friend? Sharing my life with others—my struggles, my hopes, my fears, and my victories—would forever become part of the art of conversation and a vulnerable risk I would choose to take over and over again.

If we look deeper into this idea of sharing “our own selves” from a biblical perspective, we might consider John 17 and the way Jesus prays for believers. Jesus prays that we would “be one” together just as the Father was in Him (v. 21). Think about the commands in Scripture to have “unity of mind” (1 Peter 3:8); to see ourselves as “one body” who are “members one of another” (Rom. 12:5); to understand our baptism into “one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free” (1 Cor. 12:13); and to live so interconnected that if someone “suffers, all suffer together” and if someone “is honored, all rejoice together” (1 Cor. 12:26).

Essentially, Jesus’ desire for our interconnectedness reflects what the science of relationships now confirms. To put it simply, think of the famous quote from C. S. Lewis, who writes that all friendship comes from that moment when someone says, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.”
When you share mutually, you find the connection on which all great relationships depend.

Finally, God marvelously shares His life with us. The incarnation of God—who came to earth and made His dwelling among us—shows us God’s desire to share and give up His very life to make a way for us to know Him. And He gives us the greatest gift of the Holy Spirit so we might experience union with Him. The Lord shares His thoughts with us as the Holy Spirit uses Scripture and prayer to communicate with His people. In Psalm 25:14, we read how “the friendship of the LORD is for those who fear him, and he makes known to them his covenant.”

God desires intimate connection with us, and Jesus gave up His life on the cross that we might be in conversation with the living God. Jesus Himself opened up and shared His sorrow in the garden of Gethsemane as told in Matthew 26:38. He says, “My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.” That moment of vulnerability reminds me that God desires connection.
Conversations matter to God, and He models a perfect way to connect with others.

I want to grow in my ability to connect with others through loving conversations. I want to see conversations as a sacred space. Let’s think about our next conversation as a way to honor others above ourselves, to value others above ourselves and take an interest in them, to encourage one another, to demonstrate kindness and compassion, and ultimately, to love people. When we do this, we reflect God’s character.

STILL ON THE JOURNEY

Conversations Matter – Share Your Life

George 0 Comments

Continuing Conversations Matter, reflecting on THE SIX CONVERSATIONS: Pathways to 
Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility by Heather Holleman.

In Simple Terms, If I Were To Tell You The Four Most Critical Things To Do To Foster A Warm And Connected Conversation, I’d Say This: 
* Be Curious 
* Believe The Best 
* Express Concern 
* Share Your Life

In The Art of Positive Communication, professor of Applied Communication Julien Mirivel tells us the seven behaviors needed in a great conversation. Besides greeting, asking questions, complimenting, encouraging, listening, and inspiring, great conversations involve disclosing personal information.

According to the research on the three best strategies to create relational closeness, openness—the “willingness to share personal information” and not “withhold private information” matters deeply. The other two behaviors—attention and involvement—relate to the mindset of investment. When we’re invested and share our lives, we’ll find we’re on our way to truly meaningful conversations with others.

Holleman, Heather. The Six Conversations (p. 36). Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.

SHARE YOUR LIFE

…think of the famous quote from C. S. Lewis, who writes that all friendship comes from that moment when someone says, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.” When you share mutually, you find the connection on which all great relationships depend.

Mutual Sharing


Conversation is a two-way street. Sharing one’s life creates vulnerability. Mutuality deters relational power imbalances which can occur when only one person shares.
One-sided disclosure inhibits cognitive interdependence —necessary for great conversations.
(the tendency of individuals in close, committed relationships to think of themselves less in individual terms and more as partners in a dyadic relationship)
Charles Taylor observed: “Sociability as conversation could suggest a model of society as mutual exchange rather than hierarchical order”

Mutual sharing clashes with the notion we must do without support, which is ingrained in our nation’s culture. Our most toxic myth is our “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” individualism. Enlightenment notions of individual autonomy, independence, rights, freedom and liberty run deep in the American consciousness and impede mutual sharing. An antidote to individualism is “The art of dependence” — which means accepting aid with grace and, crucially, recognizing the importance of others. It takes dignity and skill to lean on friends, loved ones and colleagues…

Mutual sharing creates questions about personal boundaries. Boundaries, though necessary, should not be impermeable. In encounters with others, boundaries are always crossed, in fact, even if only minimally. People and communities with dynamic identities will have firm but permeable boundaries. With such boundaries, encounters with others don’t serve only to assert our position and claim our territory; they are also occasions to learn and to teach, to be enriched and to enrich, to come to new agreements and maybe reinforce the old ones, and to dream up new possibilities and explore new paths.

Share Your Life
Personal assessment:
I love to share my life with other people: Rarely | Sometimes | Almost always

Reflect: Why do you think you feel this way? What happened to make you this kind of person? What’s your next step in developing this skill? What resistance or hesitation do you have to this conversational skill?

Holleman, Heather. The Six Conversations (p. 39).

STILL ON THE JOURNEY