Category: Conversations Matter

Continuing Conversations Matter, reflecting on THE SIX CONVERSATIONS: Pathways to 
Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility by Heather Holleman.

In Simple Terms, If I Were To Tell You The Four Most Critical Things To Do To Foster A Warm And Connected Conversation, I’d Say This: 
* Be Curious 
* Believe The Best 
* Express Concern 
* Share Your Life

If you’re learning to be curious about others and you’ve trained your mind to begin with positive regard, you’ll find that conversations might still lack the warmth and meaning you’re hoping for.

Express Concern

“Bless your Heart” does not count!

“Bless your heart” a phrase common to the Southern United States, is the product of an honor shame culture primarily concerned about how you are perceived by others. The double-edged use of the phrase is a way to give a little jab to others without acting ugly … because southerners never act ugly.

^{The phrase has multiple meanings and is used to express genuine sympathy but sometimes as an insult that conveys condescension, derision, or contempt. It may also be spoken as a precursor to an insult to mitigate its severity. Meanings range from “you are dumb but can’t help it” to “f**k you” and are primarily imparted through context and tone. While common in the South, it is primarily used by individuals who wish to “be sweet” and do not wish to “act ugly.”}

Wikipedia

Reflecting on expressions of concern for others in my conversations, I recognize the influence of my southern heritage and its honor shame culture. While I avoid “bless your heart”, there are other expressions that come in handy:
—”Interesting…” —”What did you do?”— “Oh, man (dear)! — ” I am praying for you.” —
to name a few; any one may be either innocent or disingenuous. The challenge I find in having meaningful, loving conversations; is more than words, it is about who we are and the intent of our hearts. Only if we authentically care about others will loving conversations happen.

Words kill, words give life;
    they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.
Prov 18:21 MSG

INVESTMENT
I appreciate Holleman’s characterization of “express concern” as investment. Expressing concern that fosters warm and connected conversations is not about being “sweet” or not being “ugly”; it is an investment.
“Investment means you’re interested in the outcome of what a person shares with you, and you express concern about their lives. You’re devoting time and energy because you care about what happens to the other person. You’re invested in their lives. You’re listening in order to support, encourage, and inspire. Investment also implies a gain on behalf of both parties. You link their success with your success, their failure with your failure, their sadness with yours. Investment is a form of support that moves beyond empathy; it’s a willingness to “carry each other’s burdens…”

In a recent study on how people“mutually responsive close relationships,” researchers stated that “an optimal relationship starts with it being a relationship in which people assume a special responsibility for one another’s welfare.” I’m learning when I engage in loving conversations with others, communicating investment makes all the difference in the quality of connection. I’m learning when I engage in loving conversations with others, communicating investment makes all the difference in the quality of connection. Therefore, we can express concern about what someone is going through. Consider this: your friend might be genuinely curious about you and like you, but if he doesn’t really care about the information you’re sharing with him, you won’t feel the connection and warmth you otherwise could.

Expressing concern is perhaps t\he hardest skill of all because it involves the wisdom to know what to do and how to help with the information someone shares with you in conversation. Investment doesn’t mean to take on everyone’s problems as your own, but it does mean you position yourself to support others as you can, to care about them, and to imagine an interconnectedness with their lives. It’s a way to live communally and joyfully so that you genuinely celebrate with others just as you would mourn with them.

The Six Conversations

I am reminded of what I heard in the podcast:

“The most loving thing we can do is have meaningful conversations.”

If that is true, and I believe it is; the implications for discipling and discipleship are far-reaching and worthy of further consideration.

Resources:
The Return of Shame – Andy Crouch
Where Does the South End and Christianity Begin? – David French
Shame, Honor, And The South – The American Conservative
Culture of honor (Southern United States) – Wikipedia
Honor, shame, and the Gospel in the American South: Part I

STILL ON THE JOURNEY

In simple terms, if I were to tell you the four most critical things to do to foster a warm and connected conversation, I’d say this:
* Be curious
* Believe the best
* Express concern
* Share your life

In 1936, Dale Carnegie published How to Win Friends and Influence People, a book selling over 30 million copies to become one of the best-selling books of all time. Carnegie claimed something so simple about how to make lasting friendships. Be genuinely interested in other people. He famously wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Simple enough, right?

Be Curious
Experience confirms my belief that curiosity about others is a casualty of our secularized, self-centered culture. Holleman observes: …most people in their lives stay self-absorbed and self-involved. When we get together with friends, besides talking about the news or the weather or simply monologuing about work or children, rarely will someone ask a good question about our lives. It leaves so many of us frustrated, isolated, and empty after spending significant amounts of time in meaningless interaction. If only we could foster curiosity about one another!
…Imagine you’re a curious person who loves gathering information about others for the pure joy of understanding their lives.

Psychologist and educator Mary Pipher reminds us how another person’s individuality is a “tremendous gift to the world” because it is a “one-of-a-kind point of view on the universe.” Even more, consider how other people are hiding a treasure within them; it’s our job to unearth that treasure—whether the treasure is how they see their world, what they know, or simply who they are in all their radiant beauty as children of God. What if you learn something that might change your life? What if they say something that unlocks a mystery for you? What if this person is the next step on your journey or vice versa? What if together you make a connection about something you would have never otherwise known? Sometimes I picture two people coming together in conversation like it’s a chemical reaction. Something amazing will happen in that moment. Something’s about to catalyze (great verb!).

The Six Conversations

PROCEED WITH CAUTION
Curiosity about others involves risk. Applying Holleman’s advice on how to be curious has potential to be disingenuous and/or manipulative, damaging relationships. Certainly conversation can happen, but there is always the temptation to achieve self-serving ends. i.e. Heather calls for us “...to be curious. Curious people build better relationships. Curious people experience greater well-being and pleasure. Curious people become more creative and less stressed out. And your curiosity just might lead you to romance. WOW.

To avoid misuse, curiosity about others must emanate from authentic desire to know others and share oneself, creating a mutually beneficial experience . To put it simply, curiosity properly used, is an act of agape love.
Seizing “curiosity about others”, or, for that matter, conversation as “the solution” to a malaise of loneliness and unhappiness in our lives without love is counterproductive.

BE CURIOUS
Like life, conversations are a minefield, but the rewards of a loving conversation outweigh the risk.

Psychology researcher Todd Kashdan feels so strongly about the value of interpersonal curiosity that he called it the “secret juice of relationships.” In fact, Kashdan argues that “if you take the fundamental things that people tend to want out of life—strong social relationships and happiness and accomplishing things—all of these are highly linked to curiosity.”

The Six Conversations

STILL ON THE JOURNEY