For the Joy of the Journey

Conversations Matter – Express Concern

George February 26, 2023 Conversations Matter 0 Comments

Continuing Conversations Matter, reflecting on THE SIX CONVERSATIONS: Pathways to
Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility by Heather Holleman.

In Simple Terms, If I Were To Tell You The Four Most Critical Things To Do To Foster A Warm And Connected Conversation, I’d Say This:
* Be Curious
* Believe The Best
* Express Concern
* Share Your Life

If you’re learning to be curious about others and you’ve trained your mind to begin with positive regard, you’ll find that conversations might still lack the warmth and meaning you’re hoping for.

Express Concern

“Bless your Heart” does not count!

“Bless your heart” a phrase common to the Southern United States, is the product of an honor shame culture primarily concerned about how you are perceived by others. The double-edged use of the phrase is a way to give a little jab to others without acting ugly … because southerners never act ugly.

^{The phrase has multiple meanings and is used to express genuine sympathy but sometimes as an insult that conveys condescension, derision, or contempt. It may also be spoken as a precursor to an insult to mitigate its severity. Meanings range from “you are dumb but can’t help it” to “f**k you” and are primarily imparted through context and tone. While common in the South, it is primarily used by individuals who wish to “be sweet” and do not wish to “act ugly.”}
Wikipedia

Reflecting on expressions of concern for others in my conversations, I recognize the influence of my southern heritage and its honor shame culture. While I avoid “bless your heart”, there are other expressions that come in handy:
—”Interesting…” —”What did you do?”— “Oh, man (dear)! — ” I am praying for you.” —
to name a few; any one may be either innocent or disingenuous. The challenge I find in having meaningful, loving conversations; is more than words, it is about who we are and the intent of our hearts. Only if we authentically care about others will loving conversations happen.

Words kill, words give life;
they’re either poison or fruit—you choose.
Prov 18:21 MSG

INVESTMENT
I appreciate Holleman’s characterization of “express concern” as investment. Expressing concern that fosters warm and connected conversations is not about being “sweet” or not being “ugly”; it is an investment.
“Investment means you’re interested in the outcome of what a person shares with you, and you express concern about their lives. You’re devoting time and energy because you care about what happens to the other person. You’re invested in their lives. You’re listening in order to support, encourage, and inspire. Investment also implies a gain on behalf of both parties. You link their success with your success, their failure with your failure, their sadness with yours. Investment is a form of support that moves beyond empathy; it’s a willingness to “carry each other’s burdens…”

In a recent study on how people“mutually responsive close relationships,” researchers stated that “an optimal relationship starts with it being a relationship in which people assume a special responsibility for one another’s welfare.” I’m learning when I engage in loving conversations with others, communicating investment makes all the difference in the quality of connection. I’m learning when I engage in loving conversations with others, communicating investment makes all the difference in the quality of connection. Therefore, we can express concern about what someone is going through. Consider this: your friend might be genuinely curious about you and like you, but if he doesn’t really care about the information you’re sharing with him, you won’t feel the connection and warmth you otherwise could.
Expressing concern is perhaps t\he hardest skill of all because it involves the wisdom to know what to do and how to help with the information someone shares with you in conversation. Investment doesn’t mean to take on everyone’s problems as your own, but it does mean you position yourself to support others as you can, to care about them, and to imagine an interconnectedness with their lives. It’s a way to live communally and joyfully so that you genuinely celebrate with others just as you would mourn with them.
The Six Conversations

I am reminded of what I heard in the podcast:

“The most loving thing we can do is have meaningful conversations.”

If that is true, and I believe it is; the implications for discipling and discipleship are far-reaching and worthy of further consideration.

Resources:
The Return of Shame – Andy Crouch
Where Does the South End and Christianity Begin? – David French
Shame, Honor, And The South – The American Conservative
Culture of honor (Southern United States) – Wikipedia
Honor, shame, and the Gospel in the American South: Part I

STILL ON THE JOURNEY

So Much To Think About

George February 23, 2023 Notes Anthology 0 Comments

There ought to be a law…
..keep a close eye on Florida’s upcoming legislative session. If Democratic State Sen. Lauren Book’s proposed bill prohibiting dogs from extending their “head or any other body part outside a motor vehicle window” becomes law, we’re going to have some issues.

Solving America’a Drug Addiction Problem
Harm Reduction – a change in how all Americans view people who use drugs.
OnPoint, a local nonprofit that provides care for people who take drugs, are using an approach called harm reduction. Their focus is on minimizing the consequences of drug use rather than trying to eradicate it. This includes offering people clean needles to prevent disease as well as overdose reversal medications. For the past year the organization has been operating the country’s first official supervised consumption site, where people can use the drugs they bring under the oversight of trained staff.
As the Times editorial board argues today, “That means accepting that people who use drugs are still members of our communities and are still worthy of compassion and care. It also means acknowledging the needs and wishes of people who don’t use drugs, including streets free of syringe litter and neighborhoods free of drug-related crime. These goals are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they go hand in hand. NYT 2-22-2023

Congregational Size
“There is a lot to say about congregational size, but one fact is fundamental: most congregations are small, but most people are in large congregations,” according to a 2021 National Congregations Study report.1 “In 2018–19, the median congregation had only 70 regular participants, counting both adults and children, and an annual budget of $100,000. At the same time, the average attendee worshipped in a congregation with 360 regular participants and a budget of $450,000.” This consolidation of believers, according to Chaves, means that “half of the money, people and staff” can be found in about 9 percent of Protestant congregations. The top 1 percent of churches by themselves have about 20 percent of the people and resources.
Reorganized Church: The Reshaping of the American Church and Why it matters

Wonder
St. Gregory of Nyssa asserts, “Only wonder understands anything.” The role of wonder is (among other things) to slow us down, make us quiet, and help us pay attention. The “flat-landers” sail prosaically through life and miss most of what is true, drawing only the most obvious conclusions, even when what is obvious is incorrect. It is the things that are “out of place” that are easily ignored (they’re so bothersome!), while they are most often the clues that reveal the mystery.
Fr Stephen Freeman

Social trust
in the early 1970s half of Americans said that most people can be trusted; today that figure is less than one-third. And a recent Pew poll found that social trust declines sharply from generation to generation. In 2018, around 29% of Americans over 65 said that most people can’t be trusted, while 60% of Americans 18 to 29 agree. Recent research suggests that social trust levels harden with age, meaning that trust will continue to fall as trusting generations are replaced by mistrustful ones.

Bragging
Walter Brueggemann offers God’s message through Jeremiah to those bragging:

Let those who boast boast in this, that they understand and know me,
that I am the Lord; I act with steadfast love, justice, and righteousness
in the earth, for in these things I delight, says the Lord….

Life on the Porch

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house, and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years, and I’ll give you back the other ten?”

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long, and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty, and I’ll give back the other forty?”

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”

But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I’ll be on the front porch.

Unknown

View from the Lanai
This is my final “view from the lanai” for this winter. We return to Wilmore on March 2. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and the front porch will be open soon.
As usual, warm weather is a highlight of our time here. We have not been disappointed.However, Red Tide has been present more than past years.
Getting to know neighbors around meals and conversation is especially enjoyable and helps stave off homesickness.
Hurricane Ian impacted a lot of people. Seeing the damage and hearing their stories and resilience has been encouraging.
As we get older, our window of opportunity to travel to Florida narrows. We are committed to return next year, beyond that is TBD. (truthfully, next year is TBD, like most everything else at this point.)

STILL ON THE JOURNEY

Conversations Matter – Believe the Best

George February 21, 2023 Conversations Matter 0 Comments

Continuing Conversations Matter, reflecting on THE SIX CONVERSATIONS: Pathways to
Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility by Heather Holleman.

In Simple Terms, If I Were To Tell You The Four Most Critical Things To Do To Foster A Warm And Connected Conversation, I’d Say This:
* Be Curious
* Believe The Best
* Express Concern
* Share Your Life

Without positive regard (believing the best), our attempts at curiosity won’t make much difference. I’ve known people who act curious about my life for self-serving reasons; they want morsels to gossip about or ways to trap me in opinions they want to disparage. Or they just run through a list of questions because they are trying to connect out of duty or because it feels like a good leadership skill to ask a good question. Worse, I know they don’t necessarily like me or wish to warmly connect; they want to talk for argument’s sake. But when someone asks questions rooted in genuine interest from a position of love and respect, I love to open up to this person.

In simple terms, positive regard means you position yourself to respect, admire, like, and enjoy the person with whom you’re in conversation.
The Six Conversations

At this point, I am of the opinion that Believing the Best may be the most challenging of the four most critical things to do to foster a warm and connected conversation. Let me explain:

Some years ago I came across this quote from A.W. Tozer: “What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us.”. I believe that is an essential truth. If what comes into our minds about God is incorrect, our relationship with God and its demonstration in our lives will not be experienced to its fullest, if at all. The intricacies and implications of knowing God are beyond this post, but it sets up my point about believing the best.

Back to “Believing the Best”.
Repurposing Tozer’s quote
” What comes into our minds when we think about the other person is the most important thing when it comes to warm and connected conversations”.
Without positive regard for the other person, conversation will not achieve its full potential, or, perhaps, any benefit at all, or, worse, be damaging.
…imagine what it feels like to enter into a conversation with someone who you feel judges you, who criticizes you, and who is looking for ways to put you down, improve you, or change you. Nobody wants to open up in an environment like this.

Trust is a prerequisite to believe the best about someone. Unfortunately, trust is becoming more and more scarce in our polarized and divisive society.

…in the early 1970s half of Americans said that most people can be trusted; today that figure is less than one-third. And a recent Pew poll found that social trust declines sharply from generation to generation. In 2018, around 29% of Americans over 65 said that most people can’t be trusted, while 60% of Americans 18 to 29 agree. Recent research suggests that social trust levels harden with age, meaning that trust will continue to fall as trusting generations are replaced by mistrustful ones.

I am confident “Believe the Best” is necessary and appropriate in fostering meaningful and healthy conversations. I am not confident “the best” is what comes into our minds of most of us when we think about others.
“Give the benefit of the doubt” or similar sentiments are not a part of today’s lexicon. As seen in the data above there is not much reason for optimism that attitudes toward each other will improve.
I would argue that “believe the best” is an attribute of Christ followers. Ironically, it seems many who profess to be Christians choose to not to give the benefit of the doubt nor believe the best; which may explain why warm and connected conversations are an anomaly for many Christians.

Hopefully, observations in this post will stimulate self-examination as it has for me.
Consider:
Reflecting on what first comes into your mind about the other people.
Ask if your first impulse is to believe he best? Give the benefit of the doubt?
If not, why is that so and how can it be changed?

Heather Holleman offers this advice:

When I’m having trouble choosing to believe the best about someone because of their actions or attitudes that I may find morally reprehensible, I try to think of what this person was like as a child. I remember to discover the story behind why this person feels or acts as they do. Then I find myself overcome with compassion rather than condemnation.
The SixConversations pg.30

STILL ON THE JOURNEY

So Much To Think About

George February 18, 2023 Notes Anthology 0 Comments

Unlearning
I’m learning to be grateful for unlearning. What misery it would be if we had to retain what we learn as certainty for our lifetimes! Unlearning is a part of learning. And this gives us freedom and humility, then, to explore who you are, Lord, and your world with your people.
Isn’t repentance also a form of unlearning? Dallas Willard paraphrases Jesus’ words in Matthew 4:17 like this: “‘Rethink your life in light of the fact that the kingdom of heaven is now open to all.’”[1] Because repentance is just that. It is a rethinking, seeing what’s real, turning towards it, shedding the counterfeit, and walking through the door. There’s an unlearning involved.
Aimee Byrd

Scott Erickson on Instagram:
“It’s painful to outgrow the form you’ve called your home for such a long time. We all go through some form of this. Hometown. Perspective. Even religious practice. And religious practice is hard because all religious practice is about identity and where we feel like we belong.
So when you feel the claustrophobia and the tightness… it’s overwhelming to think you don’t fit anymore and you need to change in some way.
But the wonder and the gift of transformation is this:
Awakening to the truth that your shell was never your home…
The ocean is.

Satisfaction and human flourishing
…satisfaction is central in how many contemporaries think of human flourishing. Satisfaction is a form of experience, and experiences are generally deemed to be matters of individual preference. Everyone is the best judge of her own experience of satisfaction. To examine whether a particular experience fits into a larger account of the world is already to risk relativizing its value as an experience.
Miroslav Volk

Better a Liar than a Bullshitter?
It is impossible for someone to lie unless he thinks he knows the truth. Producing bullshit requires no such conviction. A person who lies is thereby responding to the truth, and he is to that extent respectful of it. When an honest man speaks, he says only what he believes to be true; and for the liar, it is correspondingly indispensable that he considers his statements to be false. For the bullshitter, however, all these bets are off: he is neither on the side of the true nor on the side of the false. His eye is not on the facts at all, as the eyes of the honest man and of the liar are, except insofar as they may pertain to his interest in getting away with what he says. He does not care whether the things he says describe reality correctly. He just picks them out, or makes them up, to suit his purpose. (pp. 55-56) On Bullshit

The Importance of Sharing Wisdom
…one important feature of sharing wisdom: it is more like playing a musical piece for a
friend than treating her to a meal. When I serve a meal to a friend, what she eats I no longer have; in contrast, when I play music for her, she receives something that, in a sense, I continue to possess. When I share wisdom, I don’t part with what I give; to the contrary, I may come to possess it in a deeper way.
Miroslav Volk – A Public Faith- How Followers of Christ Should Serve the Common Good

Aging
John Perry, the main character in the novel “Old Man’s War”, describes the aging process in a direct and little bit coarse way, which only a senior citizen can get away with: “The problem with aging is not that it’s one damn thing after another—it’s every damn thing, all at once, all the time.”

View from the Lanai
Asbury Revival
Social media, local and national news has been saturated with reports , pictures, video, articles, including a Tucker Carlson segment on Fox News regarding the revival that broke out on February 8th and continues today. An extraordinary event; revival is a work of God through the Holy Spirit; and defies rational explanation.

I am thankful that thousands of people are having an encounter that will echo in their hearts and minds for the rest of their lives. Undeniably personal and profound, the ultimate impact of those experiences remains to be seen. Without question, lives are being changed. That’s what happens when we meet God.

Conversations Matter – Be Curious

George February 14, 2023 Conversations Matter 0 Comments

In simple terms, if I were to tell you the four most critical things to do to foster a warm and connected conversation, I’d say this:
* Be curious
* Believe the best
* Express concern
* Share your life

In 1936, Dale Carnegie published How to Win Friends and Influence People, a book selling over 30 million copies to become one of the best-selling books of all time. Carnegie claimed something so simple about how to make lasting friendships. Be genuinely interested in other people. He famously wrote, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Simple enough, right?

Be Curious
Experience confirms my belief that curiosity about others is a casualty of our secularized, self-centered culture. Holleman observes: …most people in their lives stay self-absorbed and self-involved. When we get together with friends, besides talking about the news or the weather or simply monologuing about work or children, rarely will someone ask a good question about our lives. It leaves so many of us frustrated, isolated, and empty after spending significant amounts of time in meaningless interaction. If only we could foster curiosity about one another!
…Imagine you’re a curious person who loves gathering information about others for the pure joy of understanding their lives.

Psychologist and educator Mary Pipher reminds us how another person’s individuality is a “tremendous gift to the world” because it is a “one-of-a-kind point of view on the universe.” Even more, consider how other people are hiding a treasure within them; it’s our job to unearth that treasure—whether the treasure is how they see their world, what they know, or simply who they are in all their radiant beauty as children of God. What if you learn something that might change your life? What if they say something that unlocks a mystery for you? What if this person is the next step on your journey or vice versa? What if together you make a connection about something you would have never otherwise known? Sometimes I picture two people coming together in conversation like it’s a chemical reaction. Something amazing will happen in that moment. Something’s about to catalyze (great verb!).
The Six Conversations

PROCEED WITH CAUTION
Curiosity about others involves risk. Applying Holleman’s advice on how to be curious has potential to be disingenuous and/or manipulative, damaging relationships. Certainly conversation can happen, but there is always the temptation to achieve self-serving ends. i.e. Heather calls for us “...to be curious. Curious people build better relationships. Curious people experience greater well-being and pleasure. Curious people become more creative and less stressed out. And your curiosity just might lead you to romance. WOW.

To avoid misuse, curiosity about others must emanate from authentic desire to know others and share oneself, creating a mutually beneficial experience . To put it simply, curiosity properly used, is an act of agape love.
Seizing “curiosity about others”, or, for that matter, conversation as “the solution” to a malaise of loneliness and unhappiness in our lives without love is counterproductive.

BE CURIOUS
Like life, conversations are a minefield, but the rewards of a loving conversation outweigh the risk.

Psychology researcher Todd Kashdan feels so strongly about the value of interpersonal curiosity that he called it the “secret juice of relationships.” In fact, Kashdan argues that “if you take the fundamental things that people tend to want out of life—strong social relationships and happiness and accomplishing things—all of these are highly linked to curiosity.”
The Six Conversations

STILL ON THE JOURNEY