“You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart — your stories, visions, memories, visions and songs. Your truth, your version of things, your own voice. That is really all you have to offer us. And that’s also why you were born.”
Anne Lamott
“You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart — your stories, visions, memories, visions and songs. Your truth, your version of things, your own voice. That is really all you have to offer us. And that’s also why you were born.”
Anne Lamott
I think of my 2020 experience, thus far, as treading water. The shoreline is not in sight. The depth of the water requires constant treading to keep from drowning. The waves are relentless, there is no relief. It is exhausting. Although sustained by hope that transcends the immediate, there is no exemption from immanent peril. In the midst of these despairing circumstances, I have encountered an unexpected and welcomed life preserver. Perhaps you can recall an occasion you were not sure you could go on and suddenly someone threw you a life preserver, you grasped it tightly and in a moment everything changed. There is relief from struggling and opportunity to regain strength. Despite the truth that you’re still stranded, confidence of survival abounds. For me, conversation has been a life preserver. I am deeply thankful for family, friends and acquaintances with whom I have had conversations during the recent days and months. Conversations matter. Thank you.
This week I came across two articles related to conversation and provide further insight into why conversations matter.
FRIENDS: In his book, Social, by Matthew Lieberman reports on a survey of people’s social connections that was done in 1985 and again in 2004.
People were asked to list their friends in response to the question “Over the last six months, who are the people with whom you discussed matters important to you?” In 1985, the most common number of friends listed was three; 59 percent of respondents listed three or more friends fitting this description.
But by 2004, the most common number of friends with whom you would discuss important matters was zero. And only 37 percent of respondents listed three or more friends. Back in 1985, only 10 percent indicated that they had zero confidants. In 2004, this number had skyrocketed to 25 percent.
As Lieberman says, “One out of every four of us is walking around with no one to share our lives with.”
Interestingly friends are defined as people with whom you have discussed matters important to you. It gave me pause to think about who I have to share my life with. I fear the 2004 percentage has diminished significantly in our increasingly social media dominate society. Perhaps we need a conversational revolution as suggested by Michael Frost.
Let’s start a conversational revolution! Let’s commit to showing a real interest in others. Make it your goal to never leave a social situation without getting at least one new piece of information about every person you had a conversation with. And when you’re in a conversation with someone who’s more than willing to answer your insightful questions, but completely disinclined to ask you anything, call it out. Say something like, “Sorry, I’ve been dominating by asking all the questions. I suppose you’ve got lots of questions about my life?” Michael Frost https://mikefrost.net/why-havent-you-asked-me-anything-about-my-life/?fbclid=IwAR0HP2-Lpkgy4QCHnGlwDzMTCU5RjujwZUD7taotfGS3eKyumQEOPvgYeGg
…the character of our conversation in human relationships betrays the health of the relationship, … For example if conversations with friend or family never progress beyond the trivial and/or self centered yada… yada… yada; at best, the relationship will not grow and most likely will diminish over time. On the other hand, when conversations reflect mutual interest and concern, share inner feelings, fears and desires, it is a sign of a healthy relationship. http://www.georgeezell.com/2019/01/prayer-as-conversation/
I use the iPhone Notes app religiously ( no pun intended). Most often I save quotes, quips, etc from daily readings. I save them, hoping to eventually post about them or share later. Mostly they stay hidden on my iPhone. There is no intended theme or thread, but they may give some insight into the drumbeat in my head.
Fruit of the Spirit …the fruit of the Spirit isn’t about us being perfect, but about God’s work in us conforming us to the image of Christ, bringing us to maturity, or to put it in our own casual terms, the fruit of the Spirit become signs that we are growing up! Jim Gordon
Facts There is something profoundly amiss with the moral core of a society when an eminent Doctor comes up against individuals in whom invincible ignorance is rooted in self-interest, which in turn thrives in a culture where ‘ought’ has been dissolved into self-assertion, and in which the common good is an irrelevance, even an obstruction to the claimed rights of the individual. Jim Gordon
I know you The conviction that we know others better than they know us—and that we may have insights about them they lack (but not vice versa)—leads us to talk when we would do well to listen and to be less patient than we ought to be when others express the conviction that they are the ones who are being misunderstood or judged unfairly. We think we can easily see into the hearts of others based on the flimsiest of clues. We jump at the chance to judge strangers. We would never do that to ourselves, of course. We are nuanced and complex and enigmatic. But the stranger is easy. Talking to Strangers
Self-examination As an exercise of faith and bold self-examination, I want to ask you to insert your name in every blank below. Read it aloud inserting your name in each blank. ____ is patient, _____ is kind. ____ does not envy, ____ does not boast, ____ is not proud. ____ does not dishonor others, ____ is not self-seeking, ____ is not easily angered, ____ keeps no record of wrongs. ____ does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ____ always protects, ____ always trusts, ____ always hopes, ____ always perseveres. Okay, if you skipped the challenge exercise, go back and do it now! Say your name in every single blank and do it aloud. “This is impossible!” you say. And you are right, if it is solely up to you and me to become these things. Here’s the big secret. Go back and insert the word “Jesus” in all the blanks. If these things are true about Jesus, and we know they are, and Jesus is in you, what does that say about you? J DWalt
Christ in Us God does not “help” us in the manner of encouraging us or simply arranging for things to work out. Rather, He is in us, working in union with our work. The mystery of ascesis (the practice of prayer, fasting, self-denial, etc.) only makes true sense in this context. The “works” that a Christian does, are properly done in union with Christ, such that the works are not those of an individual, but of our common life with and in Christ. When we fast, it is Christ who fasts in us. When we pray, it is Christ who prays in us. When we give alms it is Christ who gives alms in us. Fr Stephen Freeman
Passing By …as a Christian theologian, minister and public citizen, it becomes clear to me that something is deeply wrong when significant numbers of the community for reasons of their own, choose to ignore medical evidence, scientific consensus, and their own responsibilities to protect public health. In other words choose not to care for others. Of course many such folk will have their reasons. Fair enough. I suppose those who passed on the other side of the man who fell amongst thieves on the Jericho road, they too had their reasons. Leave it to the Samaritan to demonstrate why it is important to care for other people. Amongst the nudge, nudge clues Jesus embedded in that parable is the Samaritan “seeing the man”, a word always freighted with meanings – paying attention to, being considerate of, having compassion for. And if that sounds like too much freight, just listen to the further nudges towards loving our neighbour properly. Just read slowly the underlined phrases, each of them an act or attitude of caring for the other: “…and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper. “Look after him,” he said, “and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.” Jim Gordon
Knowing God The constant is that God isn’t through with me, and the older I get, the more excited I am about Jesus. The more I come to see glimmers of what it really means to know him and be known by him. I now have few doubts that God is at work in my life for his glory and my benefit, but the journey won’t be a standstill. It will be new discoveries and new adventures. In the midst of knowing God through his Son, I’m discovering that I am a member of the human race, deeply connected to all other persons in my humanity and my sinfulness. I’m discovering I don’t need to make a demonstration of what I know about anyone else’s life or how God works. I simply need to learn humility and understand that God is surprising us constantly in Jesus. I need to be open to Jesus and not turn him into the sum total of my idea of what it means to be a Christian. Michael Spencer
Thou shalt not lie Westminster Larger Catechism The duties required in the ninth commandment are, the preserving and promoting of truth between man and man, and the good name of our neighbor, as well as our own; appearing and standing for the truth; and from the heart, sincerely, freely, clearly, and fully, speaking the truth, and only the truth, in matters of judgment and justice, and in all other things whatsoever; a charitable esteem of our neighbors; loving, desiring, and rejoicing in their good name; sorrowing for, and covering of their infirmities; freely acknowledging of their gifts and graces, defending their innocency; a ready receiving of a good report, and unwillingness to admit of an evil report, concerning them; discouraging talebearers, flatterers, and slanderers; love and care of our own good name, and defending it when need requireth; keeping of lawful promises; studying and practicing of whatsoever things are true, honest, lovely, and of good report. (Emphasis added; footnotes omitted.) via David French
Failure of churches Unless the church can address its deep and more fundamental failure of moral and theological instruction in politics, many of its leaders and thinkers will continue to pay whack-a-mole with the symptoms of the underlying disease. And make no mistake, conspiracy theories represent one of those symptoms. David French
SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT!
Coronavirus Selfie
Something I wonder About.
Abraham had taken another wife, whose name was Keturah. She bore him Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak and Shuah. Genesis 25:1-2
I use the iPhone Notes app religiously ( no pun intended). Most often I save quotes, quips, etc from daily readings. I save them, hoping to eventually post about them or share later. Mostly they stay hidden on my iPhone. There is no intended theme or thread, but they may give some insight into the drumbeat in my head.
Slowing down “In the name of Jesus Christ, who was never in a hurry, we pray, O God, that thou wilt slow us down, for we know that we live too fast. With all of eternity before us, make us take time to live, time to get acquainted with thee, time to enjoy thy blessings, and time to know each other. Amen” Jim Gordon
Christian Power As Christians seek to use their liberty to influence those in power (or to win power themselves), it’s incumbent that we understand that lost power is not an injustice— only lost liberty breaks the American social compact. Our liberty is unalienable. By contrast, we must constantly demonstrate that we’re worthy of power. David French
Stupidity Stupidity is a more dangerous enemy of the good than malice. One may protest against evil; it can be exposed and, if need be, prevented by use of force. Evil always carries within itself the germ of its own subversion in that it leaves behind in human beings at least a sense of unease. Against stupidity we are defenseless. Neither protests nor the use of force accomplish anything here; reasons fall on deaf ears; facts that contradict one’s prejudgment simply need not be believed—in such moments the stupid person even becomes critical—and when facts are irrefutable they are just pushed aside as inconsequential, as incidental. In all this the stupid person, in contrast to the malicious one, is utterly self-satisfied and, being easily irritated, becomes dangerous by going on the attack. For that reason, greater caution is called for when dealing with a stupid person than with a malicious one. Never again will we try to persuade the stupid person with reasons, for it is senseless and dangerous. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, “After Ten Years” (Letters and Papers from Prison)
Job’s friends Job’s religious friends and advisers have correct theory but no experience; thoughts about God, but no love of God. They believe in their theology; Job believes in the God of their theology. It is a big difference. The first is information; the second is wisdom. Richard Rohr
Loss of Faith The loss of faith isn’t a loss of belief, but a display of contempt. Contempt is another honor/shame word from ancient patronage. Rejecting the gift of the patron (in this case God’s gift of his Son upon the cross) brings dishonor upon the patron. It’s the greatest affront and insult, the worst thing a client could to to a generous and loving patron. Especially when you weren’t worthy of the gift in the first place! Richard Beck
One Friend One friend, one person who is truly understanding, who takes the trouble to listen to us as we consider our problems, can change our whole outlook on the world. —Dr. Elton Mayo
Lord’s Supper The Lord’s Supper is a most powerful yet humble means of the grace of God through the remembrance of Jesus Christ by the powerful presence of the Holy Spirit. …in the act of celebrating the Lord’s Supper we witness the saving grace and miraculous mystery of the cross in the bread and cup: the one who was whole became broken so that the ones who were broken could become whole, and the one who was full became empty so that the ones who were empty could become full. J D Walt
What I’m thinking It has become our custom when we have something to give away we put in on the curb with a free sign. Normally, items are gone within minutes. Yesterday after cleaning out my storage area, I placed a very usable mop bucket on the curb. Nearly a day later it remains. I am thinking its rejection is a commentary on our society. I haven’t yet decided exactly what it says. Perhaps no one knows what it is? What do you think?
Language is the gift of God, uniquely human. Within it is borne a power to reveal, indeed a power that is deeply related to the act of creation itself. In Genesis, God creates with speech. It is the means by which we pray, the primary means of communion with others. Words are physical objects, passing from our mouths to the ears of others. We touch each other with words. Speech has been made worthy to serve as a sacrifice before God. Fr Stephen Freeman
Since my last post, in which I expressed conviction that conversation can be a transforming influence for positive and lasting change in our fragmented society, I am now thinking conversation is the only path to positive and lasting change. My conclusion is obviously debatable and, I believe, worthy of conversation. (Duh) Hopefully, there will be opportunity for meaningful conversations. This post does not address my conclusion directly, assumes it to be true and attempts to share some practical suggestions for redeeming conversation.
(Internal conversation as I write this post): [Routinely failing in attempts to have meaningful, constructive conversation,(Ironically, Even with Ann as I write.) what makes me think I have credibility to offer suggestions on redeeming conversations? ] [Amazon lists 50,000 + books on conversation, thousands of titles specifically related to understanding and improving conversation. What can I possibly add? Why should my opinion matter? ] [“Care about people’s approval, and you will always be their prisoner.” – Lao Tzu] With that, I decided to continue writing.
Offering suggestions for redeeming conversation is based on an assumption that “conversation is a lost art”. Sherry Turkle writes: “The world is more talkative now, in many ways, than it’s ever been. The problem is that all of this talk can come at the expense of conversation. We’re talking at each other rather than with each other I believe we have lost the art of talking with each other.
Reducing conversation to talking with each other doesn’t lessen the challenge of redeeming conversation. For the purposes of this post, conversation with each other, is intimate settings with limited participants. In that context, conversation has the greatest potential for creating understanding and change. It is there deep meaningful relationships are create. Redemption of conversation more broadly must start there. That is not to say larger settings aren’t beneficial. The difference is, in larger settings, we settle for an appetizer when we could have a full course meal.
The following are pre-requisites for redeeming conversation. They originate from years of education, experience and study. More importantly, they have been clarified and refined by repeated failures at conversation. They are witness to my failures.
Think of them as marriage vows. Vows are not marriage, but you can’t have marriage without them. Most often, we come to conversation without other’s commitment to engage, for that reason, transforming conversations require unilateral commitment (Committed means we are willing to make a promise with no expectation of return; a promise void of barter and not conditional on another’s action.(*) )to these essentials. To the extent we honor our commitment to them, conversations can happen and become increasingly transformative.
HUMILITY, INTENTIONALITY, QUESTIONS, REFLECTION Listed in order of priority. Each is a gateway to its successor .
HUMILITY
Doing nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Valuing others above yourself. Not looking to your own interests but to the interests of others. (Adapted Phil 4:3-4)
Humility is the foundation of all the other virtues hence, in the soul in which this virtue does not exist there cannot be any other virtue except in mere appearance. Augustine of Hippo
Humility is the awareness that there’s a lot you don’t know and that a lot of what you think you know is distorted or wrong.” “The Road to Character” by David Brooks
In the struggle against your own weakness, humility is the greatest virtue. Humility is having an accurate assessment of your own nature and your own place in the cosmos. Humility is awareness that you are an underdog in the struggle against your own weakness. Humility is an awareness that your individual talents alone are inadequate to the tasks that have been assigned to you. Humility reminds you that you are not the center of the universe, but you serve a larger order. “The Road to Character” by David Brooks
If conversation is a vehicle to positive and lasting change in our fragmented society, humility is the the ignition key. We can’t get started without it. Redeeming conversation is personal. It cannot be dictated or legislated. Without humility redeeming conversation that transforms is not possible. Because humility gets little respect in our post-modern, secular culture, I am concerned. Because humility is profoundly Christ-like, I am hopeful. Conversation is possible without humility, and so is marriage without love. I don’t care to have either.
INTENTIONALITY
Perhaps the great irony of our time is convenient, efficient means of communication and scarcity of transforming conversation. Sadly, my great-grandchildren will not likely have the pleasure of reading hand-written love letters. Transforming conversations are collateral damage from a commitment to utility, efficiency, productivity, technological progress, all sacred values of our culture. It is not that we don’t want to have transforming conversations, it is just that we cannot be true to our cultural values and have them. In “the good ole days” opportunity and context for transforming conversations abounded. It was not necessary to be intentional. Today it’s completely changed, the predominance of communication is impersonal. Why should I write a personal note when I can send an email, or just send a text? To have transforming conversations requires proximity and that requires intentionality. Rare is the occasion when someone drops in for a visit. Intentionality is expressed by engagement as well as invitation. For transforming conversations to happen in the course of everyday engagement with people, awareness and intentionality are required. It it is going to be, it’s up to me.
QUESTIONS
Once equipped with humility, the most important tool for creating transforming conversation is questions. Inviting questions are more valuable than supplying answers. Usually our default position for initiating conversation is expressing an opinion, giving advice or uninvited criticism. Questions open up the conversation, answers close it down. Transformation comes with questions, not answers. Unfortunately, in our secularized, self-centered society, conversation is often co-opted as an opportunity to control, manage, and manipulate to achieve self-importance. The objective is to establish rightness. Social media provides the perfect context for achieving that ambition. It is a dream come true …everyone shuts up and listens to me It is the questions that change our life. Questions confront in ways that statements and answers don’t. If you want to effect change, find a powerful question. For reasons, stated above, questions require intentionality. Questions are a child of humility. Recognition of the need for and value of questions is not sufficient. Intentional development of skills necessary to effectively employ questions in transforming conversations is required (credit to “Civic Engagement and Restoration of Community”)
REFLECTION
One of the most powerful ways to enhance any relationship is to take the time to sincerely listen with the heart. It takes a little more time and patience, but the rewards are absolutely worth it.
Gwen Randall Young
One of our deepest longings – deeper than we even perhaps recognize day to to day – is that other people should acknowledge certain of our feelings.We want – at key moments – our sufferings should be understood, our anxieties noticed and our sadness lent legitimacy. We don’t want others necessarily to agree with all our feelings, but what we crave is that they at least validate them. (*)
Disempowered groups often feel like their voice isn’t being heard. They think their values and needs aren’t being considered, and this can fuel resentment toward the more dominant group, who often has more of a stronghold over public debate. However, when the dominant group makes an effort to hear things from another point-of-view, the disempowered group begins to feel that their values and needs are being listened to. This can be a great starting point for easing conflict and tension. (unknown)
There’s no better feeling than the feeling of being heard and understood, even if it doesn’t mean you get your way or that the other person agrees with you – it’s great to feel like someone put themselves in your shoes for a moment.
I chose reflection rather than listening as the last pre-requisite, because humility, intentionality and questions inherently result in listening. However, listening is not enough. Transformation, change occur when trust emerges. When someone reflects accurately what has been shared with them, trust develops. A trust not based on agreement but on understanding. Reflection validates understanding has been achieved. As with questions, reflection requires intentionality, it is aso a test of humility to suspend the desire to rebut and do the hard work of putting on the shoes of another. Once that happens, we can move forward together.
“… make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
I use the iPhone Notes app religiously ( no pun intended). Most often I save quotes, quips, etc from daily readings. I save them, hoping to eventually post about them or share later. Mostly they stay hidden on my iPhone. There is no intended theme or thread, but they may give some insight into the drumbeat in my head.
Change The word change normally refers to new beginnings. But the mystery of transformation more often happens not when something new begins, but when something old falls apart. The pain of something old falling apart—chaos—invites the soul to listen at a deeper level, and sometimes forces the soul to go to a new place. Richard Rohr
…the ways we view and treat other people. Do we view them through the lens of sacrifice — that is, with a purity filter that sets boundaries, excluding and even expelling those we deem “unclean”? Or, do we use the filter of mercy, which follows the impulse to welcome, leading us to cross boundaries, to set aside our natural “disgust” for that which is outside our bounds of “acceptable” and to invite the other to participate in relationship with us? Chaplin Mike
Communications Technology The communications technology that was to become the concourse and meeting of all the world, bringing the longed-for peace to all the world, becomes a weapon to break the world in pieces. Sabbath Poems – Wendell Berry
Apple Store conversations I look around the store, packed with products that promise connection, and remark that it looks and feels like a temple. Turkle nods. She surveys the airy space, streaked with sunlight, bustling with people, and thunderous with the din of human voices. “Everybody’s talking,” she muses. “And nobody’s talking about anything except what’s on the machines.” https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/01/the-eavesdropper/355727/
Feelings I suspect that feelings always played a bigger role in policymaking than we might like to think. I mean, FDR set the price of gold based on what numbers he thought were lucky. Jonah Goldberg
Sunflowers The sunflower, that plant which in shadow turns its head relentlessly toward the sun, is the patron saint of those in despair. When darkness descends on the soul, it is time, like the sunflower, to go looking for whatever good thing in life there is that can bring us comfort. Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope
Grasping If we did not grasp so tightly, it would not be so difficult to let go, true, but in the end it is not the grasping that is the problem. It is the inability to relax, to detach, to disengage long before this present debacle that takes us down. We have centered our lives in impermanence and failed to call it fleeting. We make one thing the definition of the self and when it goes, the core of us goes with it. Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope
Grief twelfth-century Persian poet Jalaluddin Rumi put it this way: I saw Grief drinking a cup of sorrow and called out, “It tastes sweet, does it not?” “You’ve caught me,” Grief answered, “And you’ve ruined my business. How can I sell sorrow when you know it’s a blessing?”
Decline of Religion in America By any measure, religiosity in America is declining. As this report will show, since peaking in 1960, the share of American adults attending any religious service in a typical week has fallen from 50 percent to about 35 percent, while the share claimed as members by any religious body has fallen from over 75 percent to about 62 percent. Finally, the share of Americans who self-identify or report being affiliated with any religion has fallen from over 95 percent to about 75 percent. Promise and peril: The history of American religiosity and its recent decline.
American Christianity American Christianity makes salvation a personal commodity. It’s something you acquire through invocation–say the right prayer and you’re in. It places certain social and moral expectations on us, but it doesn’t infringe upon our liberty. No one can place expectations upon us. It’s an insurance policy we purchase that allows us to pursue the American dream without fear of our eternal future. Jayson Bradley
Patriotism All that patriotism requires, and all that it can be, is eagerness to maintain intact and incorrupt the founding principles of the nation, and to preserve undiminished the land and the people. If national conduct forsakes these aims, it is one’s patriotic duty to say so and oppose. What else have we to live for? Wendell Berry
Opinions We now have pocket-sized megaphones for our self-righteousness. The sheer number of opining voices confronting us on any given day is fathomless. Around three billion of us globally are on social media. In the U.S., people spend an average of two hours per day on networking platforms — a total of one month a year, scrolling through catfights and cat photos.
Straw man Fallacy The “Straw Man” fallacy is one where someone “deliberately misrepresents another person’s argument, re-frames it as something extreme and ridiculous, and then attacks that “Straw Man” instead.”
