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“You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart — your stories, visions, memories, visions and songs. Your truth, your version of things, your own voice. That is really all you have to offer us. And that’s also why you were born.”
Anne Lamott

“You are going to feel like hell if you never write the stuff that is tugging on the sleeves of your heart — your stories, visions, memories, visions and songs. Your truth, your version of things, your own voice. That is really all you have to offer us. And that’s also why you were born.”
Anne Lamott

Stakes & Boundaries

George 0 Comments

In a conversation following my blog post A Stake in the Ground, the subject of boundaries came up.It has occurred to me that my ideas about driving stakes could be interpreted as  a rejection of boundaries or, at the very least, some equivalency. That was not my intention, but the subject is worthy of some clarification. 

STAKES

Let me begin with stakes in the ground.My definition of driving a stake in the ground is the occasion when an issue, principle, rule, law , belief is inviolable. There is no room for compromise, much less discussion. Negotiation is out of the question. Hopefully, it is obvious that driving a stake is a  decision of last resort. Although I believe there are circumstances where driving a stake is appropriate, the consequences of choosing that option  are so profound  its application should be exceedingly rare.As I noted in my earlier post, that is not the case in our today’s society. 

At this point, we could discuss underlying causes for the current state of our society, but that is beyond the scope of this post.  In my opinion, the prevailing  attitude for many people today is their belief that  driving stakes in the ground is  the best/only solution to controversy or disagreement. It is a desperate effort to overcome our fear  of losing what  we value most. 

Driving a stake in the ground reveals what is of the highest value for us. If, our reason for driving a stake is a truly preeminent value,  then we  should expect to be praised as courageous and heroic. Unfortunately, most occasions where I choose to drive a stake in the ground, I was not courageous  or heroic, mostly a damned fool. Though it is ultimately of little consolation, I am thankful that my foolishness dims in the light of the idiocy that prevails in a society where our sense of value has been so distorted, that all most any thing is worth driving a stake in the ground. You don’t have to go much further than social media to confirm my assertion.

As I concluded in my previous post, the essential qualities prerequisite to using  this weapon of last resort are wisdom and discernment. Problem solved! (I wish)

BOUNDARIES

Disclaimer : the following is written without  academic  confidence and relies upon my limited understandings and experience.  Proceed at your own risk. ( it just occurred to me I should have probably posted  that disclaimer on the home page of my blog a long time ago. My apologies.)

Boundary- definition:  a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something

Boundaries are essential to our very existence , not to mention the quality of our lives. Without them we would not survive. Boundaries define us as a person, define our property and they establish limits which  serve to  preserve and protect us. Understanding  and properly applying   boundaries is as much a learned skill as it is an inherited trait. One of the most challenging aspects of  living emotionally and physically healthy lives is defining and maintaining boundaries. 

The difference between boundaries and stakes in the ground, as I am referring to them, is that boundaries are permeable, stakes are not. We own and control  and have responsibility for boundaries we establish. We can choose how permeable or  impenetrable we want them to be. 

Choosing between permeable and impenetrable  boundaries requires the same qualities essential to knowing  when and where to drive a stake in the ground, namely, wisdom and discernment. 

When we choose to drive a stake in the ground rather than  establish permeable boundaries, we are choosing a nuclear option. Once that missile is launched we have ceded control.When  others choose the same option the result is mutually assured destruction. Gridlock prevails. Survival of the fittest comes to mind.  To state it another way, driving a stake in the ground is the weaponization of a boundary.

 In summary. The objective of this post is to clarify the relationship of  driving a stake in the ground to establishing boundaries. They are two sides of the same coin. In either case, wisdom and discernment are required in order to successfully navigate our life’s journey. One is an indispensable tool, the other is nitroglycerin, perfect for demolition but must be handled with extreme care.

Succeeding posts will focus on Jesus’ ministry and his teachings on driving stakes in the ground.

A Stake in the Ground

George 0 Comments

A recent conversation settled in on the idea that sometimes we just have to drive a stake in the ground. To put it in other terms: 

“a line in the sand” 

“a red line that is not to be crossed” 

“ I’ve reached my limit”

“I’m at the end of my rope”

“That is a hill I’m willing to die on”

“There is no excuse”

I have no argument that there are circumstances where it is necessary to drive a stake in the ground. The problem, as I see it, is…when or where is it appropriate to do so? 

Driving a stake in the ground will always have consequences, sometimes serious or, perhaps unintended.  I remember as a young teen, confronting a bully who was challenging me unfairly. I essentially drew a line in the sand, which he promptly crossed and punched me in the face. Upon reflection, I was not sure drawing a line in the sand was such a good idea.

However, that experience did not deter me in future life circumstances. The consequences of which have included damaged and/or broken relationships, lost career opportunities and other less, but important, results.

Reasons for driving a stake in the ground can range from the most honorable to the most stupid and irrational. I am reminded of a father who drove a stake in the ground when his adolescent daughter refused his request for her to mow the lawn. She had crossed the line. As a result, he has refused to speak to her for the past 3 + years. It does not take a psychologist to imagine the potential consequences of his decision. 

As I have pondered driving stakes, it seems to me that the default response in our media saturated society is to drive a stake, no matter what the issue. Whether it is abortion or which essential oil to use, there is no room for margin. This is particularly true in the realm of faith/religion, which, of course, is where truth is a most critical issue and the handiest stake. In either case, stake drivers are certain of their truth. 

They most relevant arena for driving stakes at this stage of my life is in my neighborhood and with my neighbors. Thinking about that narrow venue can be instructive in larger contexts. For one example, see my post (http://www.georgeezell.com/2019/05/the-depth-of-my-sin/) 

Another example is a house that is in deplorable condition, an eyesore that reflects badly on the entire neighborhood. My thoughts are.. there is no excuse … something has to be done… complain to the city council… enough is enough… time to put a stake in the ground!

I know a bit about the residents, it’s a rental, and passing by late one recent evening a man who lives there was mowing the knee high grass. Appreciative of the fact that the grass was finally being mowed, what I saw was a man by his appearance had most likely worked hard at a menial job all day. His countenance betrayed his weariness. His circumstances betray the chaos in his life. 

So, my response as one who loves his neighbors, is to file a complaint with the city to get something done about an unacceptable situation? To have an official notification of their violation of codes, rules, norms or whatever? Perhaps they can be fined or evicted. 

I am not exactly sure what I should do, but, I have decided against  those options. At this point, I can predict the thoughts and words of you readers.  …yes but … followed by a whole litany of good reasons and rationalizations for driving a stake and digging in. 

I do know this, if I want my rights and interest protected and I don’t give a damn about what their life and circumstances are or what insurmountable burdens, perceived or otherwise, they may have, I can drive that stake and feel righteous and right and our neighborhood will be lovely.

At this point, my conclusion is that driving stakes is an act of last resort. There is no easy answer to when and under what circumstances we should do so. I am seeking greater clarity to that answer by looking to Jesus for wisdom and understanding. I hope to report on my findings in subsequent posts. I would encourage you to join with me in that quest.

The Depth of My Sin

George 0 Comments

I have a list of subjects that I intend to write about. Because of my most recent “blog slog” that list has continued to grow. Having finally forced myself to write something, I am faced with which subject to choose. I have chosen to write about  “The Depth of My Sin”

The following is a true story.

I am a good neighbor. I love my neighbors. I try diligently to help them whenever possible. I am obedient to Jesus’ 2nd most important command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” I find significant righteousness in loving my neighbors. 

Recently, loving my neighbor, as I often do, I had agreed to take my disabled friend and neighbor to his physical therapy appointment. Taking the time to interrupt my day, I arrive at his house to pick him up and was surprised to find that he was not at home. Puzzled, I called him on his cell phone to find out that he was already at the therapist, having gotten another ride. Obviously he had not let me know.  What happened next is disturbing.

I was angry. How could he be so inconsiderate? The least he could have done was give me a call. I had put aside other things to help him. I immediately called on my latent, but highly skilled  talents from my years as a manager at Ford Motor Company to teach (?) correct (?) discipline (?) so he would not do such again. My words were sharp and direct, I spoke truth about his lack of consideration and common curtesy. I was energized by exposing such unacceptable behavior. 

His response was deep contrition and profuse apology. My parting thought, if not my words, was “don’t let it happen again”. 

Only after I ended the call, did it occur to me how much I had shamed my neighbor and reinforced his perceptions of himself that he is a worthless, useless shell of man that has lost his dignity and purpose in life. 

 

I am a good neighbor. I love my neighbors.

Not so much, I do good things for my neighbors, but do I truly love them? 

Do you love your neighbors? Yes Lord! 

Then wash their feet.

Do you love your neighbors? Yes Lord!

Then bind their wounds.

Do you love your neighbors? Yes Lord!

Then love them as I have loved you.

 

Lord help me for I am broken.

Second Mountain People

George 0 Comments

In their book “Practical Wisdom,” Barry Schwartz and Kenneth Sharpe tell the story of a hospital janitor named Luke. In Luke’s hospital there was a young man who’d gotten into a fight and was now in a permanent coma. The young man’s father sat with him every day in silent vigil, and every day Luke cleaned the room. But one day the father was out for a smoke when Luke cleaned it.Later that afternoon, the father found Luke and snapped at him for not cleaning the room. The first-mountain response is to see your job as cleaning rooms. Luke could have snapped back: I did clean the room. You were out smoking. The second-mountain response is to see your job as serving patients and their families. In that case you’d go back in the room and clean it again, so that the father could have the comfort of seeing you do it. And that’s what Luke did.

The quote above is from a recent article by David Brooks entitled “The Moral Peril of Meritocracy” . Powerful and convicting, Brooks is a voice in the wilderness. Which mountain are we climbing?

Intersections – Grief

George 7 Comments

Within eyesight of four score years, I consider myself to be acquainted with grief. I have experienced the loss of my parents, grandparent, uncles and aunts, cousins, in-laws and numerous friends including the unexpected loss of my best friend. Additionally, over the years I have had occasion to minister to others in their grief. 

In each of those circumstances grief was present. Expressions of grief from the bereaved varied widely but always  produced feelings of sympathy and sorrow on my part. Years of experience both as a bereaved and as a comforter, left me with cautious confidence that I was qualified to deal with grief.  

Then, on December 10, 2018, we received a call from our daughter Melissa to tell us her oldest son Ryan had taken his own life. At that moment,  grief I had been acquainted with was overshadowed by an alien grief. A soul penetrating pain that came with that news stripped away superficial consolations my previous experiences with grief had taught me. There was no comfort adequate for the moment, not even God.  “My God, why have you forsaken me?” 

In the succeeding days, that alien grief took up residence. I recognized its presence in our daughter and son-in-law and their remaining children. It gripped my wife Ann tenaciously, leaving her inconsolable . It was pervasive. 

The memorial service, with beautiful eulogies and sincere prayers and expressions of love and concern by several hundred friends and family revealed an unsettling paradox. Words and embraces were welcomed, appropriate and appreciated but  insufficient to penetrate to the depth where alien grief had taken up residence.

Hopeful of some mystical elixir that would heal my grief, I attended church the following Sunday. What I encountered in worship was revealing. I did not experience comfort. The songs and music were offensive. The atmosphere of jubilance was hollow. Instead of feeling the embrace of community, I felt very alone and isolated. 

In the weeks and months since, as I have thought about those experiences and others, I have some observations, in no particular order:

  • Not all grief is the same and not all people grieve the same. 
  • Consolation offered to the bereaved is expected and appropriate but should never be considered sufficient .
  • Consolation should leave room for and welcome lament.
  • Grief is not something you get past, it is something you have to learn to live with.
  • When lament is repressed, healing is deferred.
  • I will never see grief in the way I did before.
  • Faith in God cannot be measured by a response in the moments of grief, but can be seen by how one learns to live with grief and minister to other’s grief.
  • It is in the midst of grief that authenticity, repentance, redemption and love find opportunity.

I am sure this is not a final word on grief for you or me.